Once Upon a Blog

OUAB has Moved.

2006-10-21T10:58:00.000+10:00

After having some serious arguments over the past month or so, Blogger and I have decided on a trial separation. So I'm moving out...

If you want to continue reading my brilliantly insightful posts (or if you just like fart stories), I can be found over at Typepad - Click here to go to the new Site. I know it's only early in the relationship, but Typepad is treating me much better than Blogger did. It's a shame in a way because the features of Blogger are starting to get better. (they even finally got the spell check working properly)

And just in case you haven't noticed yet, Julie at Another Chance Ranch has moved too. No we haven't moved in together, we're just in the same apartment building. Actually I think she's got a better one than me :(

This one's really interesting....

2006-10-20T10:01:00.000+10:00

Ree's reecent developments have given me the opportunity fo look at the diferrences between Blogger and Typad by comparing apples and apples. So in the spirit of geeky exploration, have a look at this.

Shocking revelation.

2006-10-19T17:07:00.000+10:00

This is big, and I mean Watergate big! I have in my posession an extremely revealing photgraph of Robin over at Pensieve.

So shocking is it that I'm not going to post it here but rather, I'm linking to it so that only those brave enough need see it. This picture shows what dear old Robin looks like without all the primping (no you morons, I said primping not pimping) that she does to make herself look good.

So, if you're game, here it is! My eyes! Oh the humanity!

Well I guess that ought to teach her not to give me a prize.

Now you see 'em, now you don't

2006-10-18T19:25:00.000+10:00

There are two times when the person I was talking to just disappeared. I was going to write them both in this post, but I'm running short on material so I'll do the other one tomorrow.

The first time was when I was working on the construction of a power station in the Hunter Valley, one of Australia's formeost wine producing regions. It was just after lunch and three of us were walking back to the site from the lunch shed. We were having one of those three way conversations.

Walking three abreast, suddenly the bloke in the middle just seemed to disappear. One minute I was looking at him, the next I was looking at the guy who was on the other side of him. The other guy and I just seemed to stare at each other dumbfounded for a second and then looked down at the ground. That's when we saw the the bloke in the middle.

Remember Curly from the Three Stooges, and how he used to lie on his side and go around in circles? That's what this bloke looked like. He flopped around a bit, got back up, dusted himself off and fell into step as if nothing happened as we all continued on our walk back to the site. After a couple of minutes he said, "It's OK, don't worry about it, it happens all the time. I'm an epileptic" and that was all that was said on the matter.

I have to say though I was a bit shaken (more surprised I guess), and so was the bloke on the other side of him. I'd hate to think what would the results would be if he was on a ladder when it happened.

While we're on the subject.

2006-10-18T08:10:00.000+10:00

While we're talking about lizards, I'd like to show you something. These pictures aren't mine, in truth I've only ever come across these guys three time in my life. Twice up here and once while I was taking Bentley for a walk in the reserve behind our house on the Coast. You might notice that the guy isn't holding him up.

They're called Goannas and I'll be honest, they do scare me a bit. Despite the fact that I wear shorts, I'm no crocodile hunter, and these things are big.

The reason they scare me though, is not just their size, its the fact that they hang about in trees. So that means that you can be walking along minding your own business when one of these bastards will scurry down the trunk and land inches away from you (as has happened to me). Let me assure you, adult diapers would not be unwelcome when this happens.

The other thing that they are known for, and this is really scary, is that when they are startled they will instinctively head for a tree for protection. Doesn't sound too scary you say, well what can happen is they can mistake you for a tree (poor eyesight) and run up you. Trust me, you will have many scratches and wish that you were somewhere else.

He looks pissed.

2006-10-17T15:32:00.000+10:00

I was working on a post a few minutes ago when I heard the dogs making a ruckus outside. I went out to investigate and this is what unfolded.

If you ask me, this guy looks pretty pissed.

And this is why...

And this is what he did about it....

Dogs are such men.

2006-10-16T18:55:00.000+10:00

I've got a couple of funny stories I've been thinking about but they need some work, and I'm just not motivated so I'll leave you with a picture I found funny. I think the title is a pretty good turn of phrase even if I do say so myself.

A brief explaination.

2006-10-16T07:18:00.000+10:00

A few comments about Booey need a reply and an explanation, but the comments editor is even worse than this one so I'll do it here.

While both Buzz and Booey are great cats, very placid and very friendly (to me), they are semi-feral and have a natural distrust of people. I can guarantee that they have never been mistreated because they were born right here. However, if I get visitors they both disappear until the coast is clear, this includes MDW who has held them and fed them when they were kittens.

My friend came up last weekend and as usual they both took of, but unlike normal, only Buzz came back after JC had gone. I'm guessing Booey had a run in with one of the many feral cats around the place and either chased or was chased further from home than he normally goes, as he was sporting a lot of nicks and scratches when he showed up.

So to the comments, first of all thank you all for the kind wishes.

Pamela - Yes I see lots of spiders and plenty of snakes. The cats occasionally bring home smallish snakes. The spiders mainly hang out in the machinery shed.

Claudia - mine used to come back like that when they were kittens, ah for the good old days.

Marnie - the snakes around here aren't big enough to eat a cat, more likely the cat would have startled one and got bit.

Jeanette - both cats were fixed as soon as possible, tomcatting is not only a dangerous pastime, there are already too many ferals here. I'm just south of Tamworth, technically not the outback, but for the sake of the blog it's close enough.

Amanda - nice sentiment, but Booey didn't really know Tigger. Tigger lived on the Coast with MDW and only visited when MDW had to speak at conferences and was going to be gone for more than three days. I'll pass your compliment on to him.

Swampy - gazunthite.

Karmyn - I don't have a problem with Booey leading a double life as the neighbouring properties are too far away. But you are another matter! I'd seriously investigate the possibility that Ossie is two timing you. Not only have I seen this addressed before on TV and in advice columns, I have experienced it first hand. Years ago MDW took in a stray and feed and sheltered him for months before we found out he lived 6 doors down. He was splitting his time between both places depending on what food he liked best. And only recently we learned that Tigger was being fed by a neighbour for nearly two years!

Phew! He's back.

2006-10-15T08:07:00.000+10:00

There's been a bit of drama going on in the blogosphere lately, what with Tigger dieing and a blogger causing some concern, not to mention me being outed as the stunner that I really am. This being the case I didn't say anything about Booey going missing, but rather, I just kept a silent vigil, checking the door every few hours and having a look around the property.

So the good news is, he showed up around 2:30 this morning. He'd been gone for over a week and frankly I had already given him up for good. You see, this is the time of year that the snakes are out in force, and in case you don't know, Oz has 7 of the 10 most venomous snakes in the world. Being the hunter that he is, I just assumed his quarry got the better of him. Today there will be much celebrating (that is if I can find the little bastard, he's already taken off again).

My favourite TV shows.

2006-10-14T10:13:00.000+10:00

I was asked about my favourite TV show in the comments of the previous post so here are some off the top of my head. There are many more but I didn't spend too much time thinking about it. Of course you're welcome to list yours in the comments and they may even end up in the post.

Present:

Bones. I like the socially inept forensic anthropologist, MDW hates her because she's read every Kathy Reichs book and doesn't think they did the character justice.

Veronica Mars. Don't know why I like this (but I do), I usually hate all that high school angst crap.

Two and a half Men. This is one funny show and getting better all the time.

Old dogs (uk). Cop show with some twists and turns.

Stargate. This has really gone downhill since MacGiver had a kid and left the show.

Futurama. Love this show

Doctor Who (uk). I used to watch the original every Friday night when I was a kid.

The IT crowd (uk). Funny show that I can relate to

House. I run hot and cold on this one.

Criminal Minds. I like the misfits on Bones better, but Mandy is a pal so I'll stick with him.

My name is Earl. This show has such a high cringe factor that I've never watched an episode all the way through without hitting the remote.

Past:

Magnum P.I. The all time best gumshoe series.

Simon and Simon. This was a good show that should have lasted longer.

Designing Women. Love them Southern Belles.

Golden Girls. Love them wrinkly retirees.

NYPD Blue. Sipowiz rocks! I first met him as Fank Buntz in Hill Street Blues.

Hill Street Blues. I was in love with Frank Furillo's wife.

Black Adder. Classic British comedy starring Rowan Atkinson and the guy who plays House.

Greatest American Hero. His girlfriend was a real honey, and I loved Robert Culp's character.

Always:

Scrubs. To my mind one of the best comedies ever produced.

Arrested Development. To my mind one of the strangest comedies ever produced.

Leave it to Beaver. Needs no explanation.

The Andy Griffith Show. I wanted to be Oppy, he was so cool. But Aunt Bea kinda scared me a bit.

Mr Ed. A horse is a horse of course of course

Bewitched. Samantha mmmm.

F Troop. Loved this show.

77 Sunset Strip. Was on a bit late for me but I saw some of the episodes, then I saw it all in reruns.

Rockford Files. Second best gumshoe series.

Sci Fi/Fantasy:

Star Trek. All incarnations, but mostly the original and the one with the cue ball headed captain.

Charmed. Only the first few seasons.

Buffy. Refer to Charmed.

Angel. David Boreanz adds real humour, I'm glad he got another series.

Firefly. Took a while to realise it was a cowboy show in space.

Twilight Zone. A friend of mine wrote one of the episodes.

Outer Limits. A slightly harder edge than Twilight Zone.

You mean it's not Reality TV?

2006-10-14T08:02:00.000+10:00

I used to be an avid West Wing fan, but it got a bit tiring after a while so I stopped watching. Recently I had some random thoughts that I found amusing and decided to share them in this post.

I was a bit worried about the 'Dixie Chicks' syndrome and thought about putting in a disclaimer/warning. Initially I just warned Melissa not to read because I know she's a big West Wing fan and also a political observer. But judging from the comments so far I missed the mark, and rather than deleting the post I'm updating with a new warning...

If you have never watched The West Wing, have no idea about American Politics, get offended easily or do not understand irony, satire or sarcasm do not read this post. If you fit into the aforementioned categories and you read this post, remember you were warned, so keep your complaints to yourself. For everyone else, have fun.

I thought I had worked out why America was having so much trouble with the image it portrays to the world. That is until someone explained to me that 'the West Wing' is actually a work of TV fiction and not a documentary. Hey, before you laugh at me, let me remind you that when Jimmy Smits was elected, George Dubya was the first to call and congratulate him, and to set up an appointment to discuss the smooth transfer of office.

Once I understood that it was just a TV show, I realised how dumb I was, I mean Jed Bartlett had an illness he couldn't pronounce, the best he could manage was ‘multipoo schrowrowsis’. Can you imagine America having a real life president with an annunciation problem? It’s ~~nuclear~~ (sorry, typo) unclear to me why they picked an illness Martin Sheen couldn’t pronounce. And then there’s the whole deal with Nancy being the National Security Chief, how ridiculous is that? A black woman in that position, ha! The only way it would have been more implausible is if they made her Secretary of State.

But the White House staff is even more ridiculous. Leo McGarry is unable to complete a sentence without blurting out “Margaret!”. Josh Lyman can’t seem to remember where his office is, and spends his days roaming the corridors with a secretary who doesn’t have a grasp on reality. Toby Zeilger can't speak more than two sentences before he begins ranting at the top of his lungs. CJ Creig is a dour spinster (or is that divorcee? who cares) who just doesn’t get it.

What a dysfunctional bunch of medically afflicted morons! Let’s do a recap.

We've got:

a President with a speech defect and the inability to comprehend clothing. That's a $900 Armani coat you're trying to put on, not a fucking sweater you dipstick!

a Chief of Staff with Turetts Syndrome. Leo, wait until either you or your visitor is finished talking before you politely ask Margaret to do something for you, you arrogant prick;

a Deputy Chief of Staff with Alzheimer’s and an Autistic Secretary. Either put wheels on your desk, or stay in your fucking office, and send Donna back to the sheltered workshop;

a Communications Director with ADHD. Just shut-the-fuck up you, lowlife, brain dead, sheep duffer;

a Press Secretary who is a joke but has no sense of humour. Don't you get it CJ? You're the joke;

plus a First Lady who I just can’t picture with anything other than a pink team jacket and a cigarette. Hey Rizzo! put that cigarette out.

And can somebody tell writers to stop trying to lecture me on everything from school lunches to gun control as if I’m a 3rd grade student. If I want to learn about politics I'll sign up for a class. If I want to know about policy I'll read a newspaper or watch a documentary. If I want some mind numbing, zone-out time I'll watch your show. If you believe so strongly in this crap, get off your fat, creative hollywood arses and stand for Public Office you fucking wankers!

We're a bit behind over here, so this post has more relevence to us Antipodeans. In fact, the last episode I saw was the one where Big Bill Taft got stuck in the bathtub. The reason we're so far behind is not the usual one where we wait until the price goes down, in this case Australians refused to watch it so it got cancelled. Now it's shown on governement owned TV (coalition of the willing and all that).

I'm not really sure why no-one watched it, it couldn't have been the sickening condescension, the unbelievable arrogance or the breathtaking hubris exhibited in the show. I think it may have been that we were unwilling to suspend our belief systems long enough to accept that America would elect a midget.

Painting by numbers

2006-10-13T06:29:00.000+10:00

Ok, there's been a bit of talk about Bloglines in the last few posts. Well not so much as talk, but more like a barrage of questions. I guess us computer geeks are a little different, when we see something that interests us, but don't know anything about it, we tend to google it. It seems that not everyone does this, so for those of you who are technically challenged (or lazy), here's the poop.

Bloglines is what's known as an aggregator, it can not only be used for blogs, but will also tell you when there are fresh news stories in your favourite newspaper, and for those interested, I'm pretty sure it does newsgroups too.

So to make things easy here's a screen shot of the blog you're reading right now (and before anyone is silly enough to try to correct me, I said blog not post). If you look at the two red circles, you'll see one that is a button on the sidebar, if you click on this (in the actual blog, not here, that would be just plain dumb) you will end up at Bloglines.

If you don't already have an account (free) you can create one, and no I'm not explaining how to do that, I've got you there the rest is up to you. The second circle is a Firefox extension that alerts me when someone has posted something new, all I do then is click on the little white 'B' and it lists the new post for my viewing pleasure. This saves having to actually go to all the sites you read just to check if there's something new, that takes time. As usual, you can click on the picture to make it bigger.

Time to own up. **Updated by request.

2006-10-12T14:48:00.000+10:00

Recent events have highlighted the need for honesty and respect among bloggers, particularly those that become regular readers/commenters/friends. So in keeping with this newfound realisation, I guess it's time for me to come clean.

I'm not really a 50 year old Australian guy whith thin hair and a beer belly who lives with his dogs. I am, in reality, a stunningly beautiful, 19 year old Swedish girl trying to improve my English skills by regular writing. And before you ask, yes I do have blonde hair and extremely large, freakishly firm breasts. And no, I don't have a boyfriend.

I need better grades in English to persue my goal of becoming a nuclear ~~fizzycist~~ ~~physisits~~ ~~physysyst~~ ah fuck it! I wanna be a rocket scientist. I suppose I could just be a waitress, but that won't make enough money to feed my 16 brothers and sisters who were left orphaned after our parents were killed in an industrial ice cream accident at the Hagen Daas factory.

**Update
Now before you all get crazy and start abusing me, I would like to direct you to the comments for this post. I clearly stated that I had too much class to post this picture, but if anyone really wanted to see it I would. It took about 3 minutes before I got a response. I think they look pretty good(not) but you probably will say they look uncomfortable.....

I'm the tall one in the centre.

Car 54 where are you....?

2006-10-12T09:56:00.000+10:00

Has anyone seen Laura lately? She stopped commenting on my blog a few days ago and I haven't seen her anywhere around the traps since then.

Since I've gone to bloglines, I generally only go to blogs with new posts, and Laura could be a bit sporadic. But when I went to check things out, her blog was gone. And now it seems, so is her profile. I know some of you read her and are probably interested too.

Anyone know anything?

Mmm, isn't that odd?

2006-10-11T15:31:00.000+10:00

According to Melissa, I have to list 5 weird/odd things about myself (man I've gotta stop reading her!!). Marnie's were of the Jim Rose variety, I think I'm more like Melvin Udall .

1. Apart from the three times I found myself hospital (three diferrent stories), and a few times I've been really drunk, I haven't slept longer 2 hours since I was about 16 years old.

2. I can't watch TV without a remote in my hand, and often yell obscentities at the screen expecting them to pay attention to what I'm saying.

3. As the result of an industrial accident I lost both testicles. Then to make matters worse, hospital staff lost the prosthetics they were going to implant and had to use two small onions instead. To this day I can't eat a Greek Salad without getting an erection.

4. I have uncontollable urges to make up strange stories.

5. I have only spoken a half dozen words to my oldest brother since I was nine, that would make it over forty years. I'll probably speak about the same number to him over the next forty.

I just realised that I've got a bunch more than this, but being a guy I think I'll just keep them to myself.

Now as for tagging, the first five people who comment and don't say "I'm not tagged" are tagged. I'll be reading the comments and will update this post with the tagees. I bet someone is going to get tagged.

Damn my dogs are loyal !!

2006-10-11T14:53:00.000+10:00

Boy, I'll tell ya, you would be lucky to find two more loyal and faithful dogs anywhere in the world. They continually lavish unfailing devotion on me, unless of course there's someone (anyone) else around.

This is my good friend JC (no shit! those are his real intitials), who has been visiting the last couple of days. And that's Bentley showing him some unfailing devotion.

This picture was taken by JC's wife last time they were both up here. And that's Buddy showing him some unfailing devotion, in my bed no less! By the way, JC is the guy who was attached to the foot near the lizard.

I've got to get me some new dogs.

Send all complaints to Julie, thank you.

2006-10-10T12:40:00.000+10:00

Now this is a prime example of the need to use clear concise English. Julie's most recent post is of some photographs of the moon. She wanted to invite people to display their own photos. Now what she should have said was "I'd like to see your photos of the moon".

That would have produced this result...

Unfortunately she said "If you guys decide to share some moon shots let me know. I would love to see yours. I've shown you mine, now it's your turn."

Well shit! What choice did I have? ...

*Update: If you can't get through to Julie, complaints can also be directed to Jenny (because she first planted the idea a few days ago)

I had two visitors today.

2006-10-09T20:29:00.001+10:00

I can't spend much time on a post as I've got a visitor staying for a couple of days. He's attached to the foot in this photo. I made him stand there so I could get some perspective on the lizard(the other visitor), which is called a Blue tongue but really just an oversized skink .

The good thing about this particular friend visiting is that his wife (who usually comes with him) is a production manager for Sanitarium, This means I always get a care package, and this is the one I got today.

Here's my list.

2006-10-08T18:51:00.000+10:00

This one is going around at the moment, which is a good thing because I just can't get it together to write anything. I got this at Julie's blog. Some are a bit iffy, but if I felt that in good concience I wasn't lying, but rather using some poetic licence, I said yes. After all, I am a he-man adventure hero. Plus there's lots more that I have done that isn't listed here. Mine are in italics.

**Updated...bugger it, this list is too bloody long so I'm getting rid of everything I haven't done. But I'll put the full list here in case you want to do it yourself.

I have....

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink (not my money)
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain (a small one)
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree (it's not like you think)
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
15. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Slept under the stars
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Bet on a winning horse
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse (didn't look directly at it though)
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run (in the park, home on fielder's error)
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer (always)
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
49. Midnight walk on the beach
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs (doesn't everyone?)
59. Lounged around in bed all day
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
72. Gotten married
74. Crashed a party (much younger then)
80. Gotten a tattoo
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark (it's called hake)
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
92. Buried one/both of your parents (both)
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently (reasonably fluent)
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
110. Broken someone’s heart
113. Broken a bone
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol (I don't like them)
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild (magic ones)
118. Ridden a horse
121. Seen the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi (love it)
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
130. Gone back to school
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
143. Built your own PC from parts
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

There, that's better.

What have you done? Go here for the original list.

Vale Tigger.

2006-10-07T21:17:00.000+10:00

It's a sad day today, as I foreshadowed a week ago, Tigger has gone to the big litter box in the sky. He was a big part of our lives for 15 years and will be sadly missed. I'll probably write about him later, but for now I'll just remember him.

From day one he was a real people person.

He's about 4 months old here and plumb tuckered out.

This is one of the many snakes he used to bring home.

Just a generic cutesy shot.

I often used you wake up with his head on my arm.

This was the last time he came up here. Even though it wasn't his place he took control. That's Booey wanting to get on the bed.

Aww shucks, thanks guys.

2006-10-07T14:31:00.000+10:00

As you would be aware, I'm normally pretty good about responding to comments in the actual comments section, but it seems that you're only allowed 20 gazillion squigabytes for comments and you guys have used all of that. So I'll have to do it in a post (god I hope my post is as long as the comments, how embarassing if it's not).

I must be quite clear: I wrote it because I was genuinely amused at the diferrence between the two posts, not to garner sympathy or support (I didn't know I could do that, if I did I would have come up with a sob story months ago). Having said that, the support was greatly appreciated. Being not only the youngest, but also much younger than my brothers I have the 'look at me! look at me!' gene, and praise is my raison d'etre (that's french for I'll take all you can give).

But to address the comments, (which would give Leo Tolstoy's epic War and Peace a run for it's money)...

Robin - next time you write a comment like that, you need to send me a couple of your Folger's samples if I'm expected to stay awake all the way through. The whole 'keeping you blog private' thing makes my head spin, where's the gratification in that?

I lost a few good sites too before it dawned on me that bookmarking might help. I'm not exactly sure how I found you, but I do remember the exchange, it had to do with cussing and balsamic vinegar (both of which I like). The Julie -> Cheeky -> Pensieve scenario sounds about right.

Ah ha, so I'm not the only one who has noticed that some blogs are just a collection of memes, and crap from somewhere else!! Yes, you found Ree through me, you even commented about it. And yes, you definitely have written the longest comment so far.

Jenny - Thank you for the sentiment (I mean it). And thank you for the advice, but you're too late, I tried naked pictures but sadly they were of me and I had to rebuild my readership all over again after that faux pas (that's french for fuck up).

Heather - The reason you don't have a larger reader base is not because you're opinionated, it's because people have to be fully literate to read your blog, and that rules out a lot of bloggers. I must confess that some of your writings go over my head, your novella/short story stuff I love, but the reviews are a bit in depth for my simple tastes, plus some of the books you read are just plain depressing.

Claudia - Thank you for noticing that!! Subtle humour is not my forte so when it's appreciated, it's a real buzz.

Pamela - OK, so let me see if I've got this straight...you're hooked on wry humour (it's my Scottish background), you're amused because only animals will live with me, I write about nothing, you're here for the comments rather than the posts, swearing is not your thing but it's ok for me to use it to supplement my paltry vocabulary, Ree actually is smarter than me, and you use bloglines. Have I missed anything? Thank you, I know what you mean.

Julie - That's one of the idiosyncrasies of both language and youth. I too thought that 'pimping my blog' was similar to 'pimping my ride' until one day my niece showed me her cell phone, or rather all the crap she had stuck on it, and I said "hey you've pimped your phone". She looked at me like I was old or something and said "no uncle Pete, I've blinged my phone". So I guess what you were thinking is actually 'blinging your blog' .

Pimping your blog goes back to the real meaning of pimp. Going out and getting your blog seen by as many people as possible and leaving comments like "you need to visit my blog, I've just written something about you" or "you won something on my blog".

Bloglines really is a timesaver, I used to laboriously keep checking everyone's blog for entries but bloglines makes it that much easier. In fact I now I even have a firefox extension that indicates if any of the blogs I subscribe to have added new posts. If you want more info email me. But even easier is if you just click the bloglines button on my sidebar.

Momto3 - You aint just whistling dixie! Most of the blogs I read are women, the men seem to like politics or argument. You may be right, but knowing my luck, when my ship finally does come in, I'll be at the airport!

Karmyn - Thank you, those are very nice sentiments (and I truly appreciate them). But even more importantly, you're the only one who has pointed out that Ree is gross!!

James - You are actually the only male blogger I read regularly (and the only male that reads me, or at least leaves comments) thanks for the support. Thanks also for the advice, I think I'll combine your pyrotechnic idea with one of mine. I can picture it now, the beans explode with such force that I'm thrown through a window severing my carotoid artery causing me to bleed to death. Now, if I can't get some sympathy with that then I give up, well technically I can't actually give up seeing as how death was the reason for my stopping rather than disdain, but that's a minor issue. Almost forgot, those things you are talking about are either Balmain Bugs or Moreton Bay Bugs depending on where you live. In NSW its Balmain and QLD its the other one.

Ree - Thank you for trying to make me feel better, however the phrase 'I average 400 to 500 a day' - NOT HELPING. I really didn't have any thought about blogging, the only reason I started (and I've said this elsewhere) is that I wanted to leave comments on your blog and it was a hassle unless I left them as anonymous (something I refuse to do). So I got a blogger account. Then it dawned on me "I might as well write something".
I've always loved your photo contests, and yes I DID WIN THE FIRST ONE, unfortunately the gloss of that achievement was somewhat taken off by the next person I'm about to address, because SHE WON TWICE.

Susan - You won twice so I'm no longer talking to you.

Melissa - You promised!

Laura - Yeah that whole guilt thing is a bitch! I get it too. But some bloggers are so transparent, you only hear from them when you leave a comment on their blog. I'm not critising that, I think we all do it now and then. This is where Bloglines helps, it does save time. You've got to overcome that whole "I can't post photos" thing. I'm really looking forward to some pics on your blog.

Robin - Where the hell did you come from!? You weren't here when I started! I think your description of Pimping should go in Wikipedia. Don't worry, Ree knows you meant her, that's why she tried to out comment you. Now you've come back and commented again, that's some serious dissing kiddo.

Amanda - Ahh.. that really does make it all worthwhile. (I really mean it). And where the fuck did you come from too. You weren't here either when I started this.

I've had an epiphany, and also a realisation.

2006-10-06T16:42:00.000+10:00

OK, we all know Ree so I won't need any links or anything (well maybe later). I haven't been blogging all that long, and Ree was one of the first blogs that I came across that made me think "hey, they're not all geeks an anarchists, and this one even has a sense of humour". Like most people who either stumble on or are directed to Confessions of a Pioneer woman, I stayed loyal and my loyalty has been rewarded by not only consistent laughs, but also a friendship that I value.

In the early days, Ree had a few regular readers and averaged around 10 comments per post, which built up rapidly to average around 20 comments before it just exploded to the point that now you have to make an appointment to make a comment. On the other hand, I average around 15 comments per post. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining (like hell I'm not), I love each and every one of my blog friends (that's not quite true but I'm too scared to risk offending Melissa by naming her).

This got me to thinking, "what has she got that I haven't (apart form a gazillion readers)?". I mean our similarities are almost freakish, except that she's a she and I'm a he; and she raises cattle and I watch television; oh, and she's very positive and wholesome and I'm, well I'm just not; she has four kids whom she home schools and I've never had kids (but I did go to school); she lives in America and I live in Australia (see, both start with A).

It's obvious that on the surface there is very little difference between us. So why then, is she doing so good while I'm just taking up server space? Come on, don't tell me you haven't asked yourself the same question. We're bloggers for chrissake! Don't give me that crap about it being cathartic, there's gotta be some ego involved or you wouldn't write.

This morning I left a comment on Ree's latest post about one of my earlier posts. About three hours after I left the comment it occurred to me! The simple truth is Rees is just plain smarter than me. Her post had 17 different photos (yeah I went back and counted them, its my Virgo side) of preparing and cooking a steak, which would have taken about 5 to 10 minutes, meanwhile I was able to produce 1 photo of cooking beans in a pot, which took me 6 hours. You do the math.

Budget Baywatch

2006-10-05T18:33:00.000+10:00

Warning !!!! This is a long post so if you have to go to work, read it later.

Remember a while ago when I showed pictures of Phuket and told everyone to remember a particular picture? Hands up all those who committed it to memory. Never mind, here it is to remind you (sorry to those who memorised it, you didn’t have to after all).

So now that we’re all caught up, let me explain. The body of water going off into the distance is a tidal lagoon. For anyone who is thinking “Huh?” that means it fills and empties out with the tides. It was a lot of fun riding the flow out for an houror so each day after the outgoing tide started to ebb. The rest of the time it was either a lake or a raging current that dumped you way out in the ocean.

This is between tides when it's calm, that's me at the back.

This is when it empties out, that's me again.

One of the main reasons I love Phuket is that there are no Thai girls there, well of course there are Thais who are girls, but ‘Thai girl’ has a specific meaning. They are a cross between a hooker and a girlfriend, closer to a girlfriend but less expensive. Something that I’ve always found amazing in South East Asia is that despite the fact that millions of people live on islands surrounded by ocean, no-one knows how to swim.

These are the actual girls in the story

One afternoon while we were just lounging in the shade with a whiskey in one hand and a joint in the other, we heard some excited male voices. Heading down towards the beach and saw the two Italians who brought the girls down from Bangkok running around like chooks with their heads cut off yelling “The girls! The girls! They no can swim!” Out in the water were the two girls thrashing about, apparently they saw us having fun and decided to have a go themselves. They should have paid closer attention to us because we were all waiting for the current to slow down a bit.

Being a person of stunning mental acumen and blessed with lightning quick reflexes, I immediately appraised the situation, “Hmm, they probably shouldn’t be out there if they can’t swim”, this brilliance was followed by and even more astute observation, “Perhaps the Italians who brung them should go and get them”. I would have imparted this pearl of wisdom to the Italians, but just as I got close enough to tell them, they both ran off waving their arms above their heads in a manner reminiscent of the great Italian war heroes.

This is Sven (or something).

Luckily this Swedish guy was there at the time(he’s name was probably Sven), so we just looked at each other and somehow wordlessly decided it was up to us. Having grown up in Oz I have lifesaving qualifications, I don’t know about him but he was calm which is the main thing. The most important thing you learn when you do lifesaving training is that you need to keep them out of reach until you are ready to grab them, and when you do grab them make sure its from behind. Many a person has been drowned when the person in trouble panics and grabs hold of the rescuer and tries to climb out of the water (I’m not kidding, it really happens).

Anyway we managed to get them back in without too much trouble, although the undertow was pretty fierce. It is said that rescuers feel empathy for the people they rescue, I just felt angry that these stupid bitches were fucking around in the ocean when they didn’t even know how to swim. And it turned out that having disdain for them was the right emotion because neither they nor their fucking lowlife Italian johns offered a word of thanks. Either at the time or over then next three days they were there.

The cats demanded equal time

2006-10-05T00:10:00.000+10:00

The cats are getting pissed at all the attention the dogs have been getting lately and have threatened to go on strike if things don't change. I'm not sure exactly what a cat strike would entail. Maybe they'd refuse to be totally loyal and dependent pets, or worse, maybe they'd stop obeying commands. Shit I don't know if I could handle it if the cats wouldn't fetch a ball anymore, or sit or roll over.

This is a picture of when I first brought them in, up until then the mother had them hidden on the property somewhere, but whe she figured they could eat solids she brought them to the back door. Getting them in was fun, they hissed and scratched like crazy and eventually wore themselves out.

They love this box, too bad I spent all that money on a proper cat house.

I'd really like to show you some pictures of them in action, but most of the time this is what they do.

But they do at least do it in diferrent places. Oh yeah, that's the trunk from the other picture. And that's a blanket that my Aunty the nun hand stiched my initials on.

For those who asked.

2006-10-04T14:11:00.000+10:00

The fence was supposed to keep these idiots from going AWOL..

A waste of time really since this is where they'd rather be anyway..

What I should have done is build a fence around my bed!!!

I bet you wish your gofers were this neat!

2006-10-03T19:43:00.000+10:00

This particular part of Australia is renowned for having the neatest, most precise gofers in the southern hemisphere. Here's just a small sample of their handiwork...

Ok, so I'm bullshiting again. I just can't help myself, in fact we don't even have gofers in Oz! This is how the holes were made...

And this is why I made them...

My heros have always been cowboys.

2006-10-02T20:55:00.000+10:00

Well howdy folks, its Willowtree Pete here. I just thought I'd tell you about some of the peeple I admire.

I sure do envy thos perfeshunul sports peeple, speshully golfers cause they's rich and footballers cause they's tough.

And o'course I thank everwun in the military for keepin us all safe. I might not agree with all the stuff they's involved in, but I do agree that theys has gots to go where theys told. That's how the military works. An I do like to sleep at night.

But my heroes have always been cowboys, yessiree. Y'all can't beat a ridin' and a ropin'. I sure gots me lots of both to do when I'm not listening to Willie. Y'all come back now.

Don't you wish you could tell them to get stuffed?

2006-10-01T18:45:00.000+10:00

Have you ever been watching the news on TV when some feisty powerful person is being grilled by a Senate committee or some such body? Don't you just love it when they bite back? Well I did that one time (but not a Senate committee), trouble was I got no satisfaction out of it. Here's why.

When I worked for Sydney Water, one of the positions I held was 'Senior Analyst, Information and Communications Systems'. Part of my job was to analyse system requirements and produce various documents including business cases, system specifications, database design and implementation control plans. That, by the way, is why I've got a bit of an idea why blogger is such a bitch these days.

Anyway, on a number of occasions I had to design Scientific applications, this meant many, many, many interviews with scientists. At one of the labs, the minimum qualification was a Ph.D., and I'm telling you I've never seen such a collection of fuckwitts in my life! I remember two of these peckerheads arguing for nearly 30 minutes on whether the punctuation should have been a colon or a semi colon. These same nerds failed to notice that they had only specified half of the data that needed to be kept on each sample. We're talking major league fuckwitts here!

So after about six months of this bullshit I'd had enough, and started to cut back on my politeness (if you knew me personally you'd know there wasn't that much fat to trim at the best of times). After much effort we were approaching the final stages of System Specification, which meant, among other things, fine tuning the reports that would be produced. As this system analysed water samples from all over the Sydney catchment, there were always different people coming in from the field to be interviewed.

On this one occasion there were four people I had never met before, and as luck would have it, I was caught up in traffic getting to the meeting from head office and missed the introductions. Using a whiteboard we started to design some additional reports, now I was a bit miffed that this was being done so late in the process but bit my tongue. But it just got worse, these guys were asking for stuff that no-one had seemed to mention in all the time I had been involved.

Enough is enough I decided and losing it almost completely, gave them an unbelievably inappropriate spray. I don't remember it all but it did involve words and phrases like 'you people need to pull you heads out of your arses and face reality', and 'there is no way we are going to do this just to satisfy your whims'. There were also swear words and some aspertions cast about their parentage. They just sat there like stunned mullets and took it all.

When the meeting ended and everyone went their separate ways, the chief scientist came over to me and said "You do realise that they were from the EPA don't you?" The EPA being the body that licences Sydney Water to carry out its function. Oops.

Buddy can you spare a dime?

2006-09-30T20:33:00.000+10:00

Would you give this bum some loose change to buy a cup of coffee?

If you did, you'd be wasting your money, for not only does he own the building in the background and another twice the size ( both in San Francisco), he also owns sixty condos in Sacremento.

And if that's not enough, his mother owns either two or three (I forget exactly) city blocks in North Platt, Nebraska. Which he will one day own.

So he can afford his own damn coffee!

Ahh, to be young again.

2006-09-29T15:49:00.000+10:00

When I first saw this at Heather's I thought it was a good light hearted meme that could save me (and any others who were interested) the trouble of coming up with a post. I have to confess that I got a bit disdainful once I actually read the questions, but hey, it's all good fun so here's my responses.

1. What does your headline mean?
That would mean I logged into Myspace by mistake. Something I rarely do since I realised that the average age of myspace users was 12.

2. Elaborate on your default photo:
myspace: That's my Charlie Daniels lookalike photo.
blogger: It's Snoopy smoking a cigarette while holding an Alpha Beta whiskey bottle.

3. What's your middle name[s]?:
Ian. Wanna make something of it!

4. What is your current relationship status?
Married, but I tell women I meet that I'm a widower.

5. What are you wearing right now?
Shorts, Mall of America tshirt and leather thongs (footwear, not the other kind)

6. What is your current problem?
Are you kidding me? Have you tried to fucking use Blogger lately?

7. Who do you love most?
That would be me.

8. Who makes you most happy?
Pee Wee Herman. No wait, he makes me laugh, the pizza guy makes me happy.

9. Are you musically talented?
You betcha, drums, guitar, keyboards and harmonica.

10. If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would you change?
The concept that asking a stupid question like this was a clever thing to do.

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would it be?
Lion. No explanation required, they are the best, plus I'm a Leo. Hey I thought you said there was no explanation required!!

12. Ever have a near death experience?
Yes. Next question.

13. Can you dance?
Is the pope a catholic? Do chickens have lips? Do you really care?

14. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
I have no song stuck in my head, that's because unlike myspace users I have no iPod stuck in my ear.

15. Who did u cut and paste this from?
Heather, and the further I go, the more I regret it. Note it says 'u' instead of 'you', a dead giveaway that it came from myspace,

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you.
Any one who was born on the 24th of August would qualify, why limit it to just one?

17. Have you ever destroyed someone's property?
Yes. err I mean no.

18. Have you ever been in a fight?
Hmmm let me think, I grew up in the western suburbs of Sydney (think east LA) and I spent 16 years in construction, that would be a YES.

19. Have you ever sang in front of a big audience?
No, I'm a musician not a singer.

20. What ATTRACTS YOU TO THE OPPOSITE sex?
The whole genitalia thing mostly. And the hope that I will get lucky.

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Don't go. Not that I wouldn't, just that there aren't any around here.

22. Do you have a crush on one of your myspace friends?
If I tell you will you pass them a note for me? Better yet, what if I stand next to them at recess and giggle.

23. Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
I guess it might have been Mexico, not too sure really, but then you could pick any major city on most continents and the answer would still be yes.

24. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
I bear an uncanny resemblance to Joan Rivers with a beard.

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
Yes I do and I'm proud of it. In fact there is even a new term that has been coined...kidult.

26. Did you have braces?
How else would my pants stay up?

27. Are you comfortable with your height?
Yes, but only when I'm sitting.

28 Do you consider yourself adventurous?
No, but others do.

29. Do you speak any other languages?
Yep, I speak English, Australian, American, French and Thai.

30. Whats your favorite smell?
Bacon and eggs, coffee and the perfume the waitress is wearing.

Boy ! Do I feel stupid ! !

2006-09-29T10:46:00.000+10:00

I posted a rather disparaging post about Blogger a short time ago, accusing it of making my post disappear. Errr, well... this is the post I was talking about. Seems I was in the wrong blog when I wrote and published it. Hey at least I'm man enough to admit it and not just go and delete the rant, after all Susan is the only one who has seen it so far. But no, I'll leave it there and accept reponsibility for my actions.

This is the missing post, it was entitled
"These Pets don't eat much"...

I hadn't noticed before, but the cat seems to have had its ear chewed, no doubt by one of the real live pets.

These guys are ideal if you don't want pets that you have to feed, water and walk. And even better it's just like the old joke "Did you hear about the wooden dog?". Person replies "No". The joker responds "Wooden shit". That's a play on words, so if you don't get it, just let me say that with these guys, there's no need for a pooper scooper.

Isn't this fun? I must confess that the only reason I'm doing this is to see if blogger has got some help for its problems, it seemed to be publishing a bit better on the test blog that I have.

While I think of it... Anzac (or more correctly ANZAC) Day is a national holiday similar to your Remembrance Day. The date is the 25th of April, when the Battle of Gallipoli was waged during WWI. ANZAC stands for Australia and New Zealand Army Corps.

WTF !!

2006-09-29T09:29:00.000+10:00

I just did a fairly long post extolling the virtues of Blogger and thanking it for having sought the help of a therapist to cure its recent psychotic episodes. It published almost immediately, without going around in circles.

There was a slight problem however, the spawn of Satan, half-arsed, no class, useless piece of shit just scrunched up my post and threw it in the bin. It's gone. It doesn't exist anywhere. I'm getting close to calling it quits.

I was dumber even earlier.

2006-09-28T16:26:00.000+10:00

There's no way I could match Marnie's superior humour (stapling people to chickens! pure genius) or Melissa's riveting insight into history (who knew the Stock Market shot pigs and tried to sell them to grocers, or worse, buried them when there were hungry people with invisible cats).

No, I know I'm not in their league. In fact the only thing going for me is that my literary brilliance was produced ten years before theirs. It's pretty cringeworthy, but isn't that what blogging is all about?

I want to be absolutely clear that I have no wish to join the Baby Blogger Wars (I'd get creamed), I just want to show my support for both sides.

As usual, you need to click the pic if you want to actually read it. But it may well be a waste of you time, it's up to you.

Ah, guys, they're Piggy Banks

2006-09-28T14:25:00.000+10:00

Well now, you know they aren't actually piggy banks, they are really money boxes but I'm not sure if everyone is familiar with that term. And that's a real can of Coke and a small bottle of Coke for size comparisons.

When I posted about the money I was expecting a few comments saying "Aww what pretty money", of which I got some. I also expected some comments along the lines of "Wow, you sold a kidney just to get a photo for us?", or "Are you craxy? Why sell a kidney just for a photo!", of which I didn't get any.

What did surprise me though, was the barrage of comments denigrating our Coke cans. "Our cans are better than yours, nanee nanee nanee!" was pretty typical. Hey anything to raise the level of intelligent debate I say.

So kudos to those with eyesight keen enough to notice that the can wasn't up to American standards, but not keen enough to notice that the bottle has a 2 inch wide neck.
Just so that we're all on the same page, I've taken a series of photos so that you can see the Coke money boxes in there true perspective, obviously the full sized Gumby failed miserably at that task.

These three tops are from a 350ml, a 2 litre and the money box, can you tell which is which? Clue: ALL bottle caps from real Coke bottles are the same size.

This is what blogger needs

2006-09-28T05:41:00.000+10:00

Someone needs to pop the hood and see what's wrong with this piece of shit. And I've got some tools they can use if they need them. I don't know whether it's social engineering or not (trying to get us to move to beta blogger, hey I take beta bloggers for my heart condition) but this version of blogger sure is useless these days.

I know it's free but that's no reason for it to be crap. I'm only posting this to see what happens, it just seems to go around in circles when it tries to publish.

**Updated. This just gets worse and worse, first it wouldn't publish, then it published the same thing twice. Then it wouldn't delete the extra post, it shows up on the blog but it doesn't show in the post list. I think we are approaching meltdown.

That's more like it! * * *

2006-09-27T08:54:00.000+10:00

I thought I'd try that Birthday thing that has been going around, so I went to the site and entered my birthday. This is not me...

Your Birthdate: August 24

You understand people well and are a natural born therapist.
A peacemaker, people always seem to get along when you are around.
You tend to be a father or mother figure to friends, even to those older than you.
You enjoy your role, and you find that you are close to many people.

Your strength: Your devotion

Your weakness: Reliance on others for happiness

Your power color: Lilac

Your power symbol: Heart

Your power month: June

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

So I had a thought,"hey I was born at around 1:00am in Australia, so what if I tried the day before?" and here's what I got....

Your Birthdate: August 23

You're not good at any one thing, and that's the problem.
You're good at so much - you never know what to do.
Change is in your blood, and you don't stick to much for long.
You are destined for a life of travel and fun.

Your strength: Your likeability

Your weakness: You never feel satisfied

Your power color: Bright yellow

Your power symbol: Asterisk

Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I have the same problem with Horoscopes, the sun was only 1.8 degrees into Vrigo at my moment of birth which makes me a pure Leo/Virgo cuspan. I usually read both and go with the one that says I'll win money.

Willowtree Motel.

2006-09-27T08:12:00.000+10:00

I had a great experience last night, well it was actually early this morning. I got to try one of those vibrating beds you get in ~~sleazy~~ motels. Seeing as there are no motels in Willow Tree this was quite an accomplishment.

At around 3:30am, a severe thunderstorm raged around my place, it's still raging as I type. In fact it's why I'm posting this now, any minute I'll be losing power for I don't know how long, so I'm trying to get this post in before it goes out. I speak from experience here.

Anyway back to the vibrating bed, the beagle has always been terrified of thunderstorms (which makes him pretty unlucky because we get a lot here), and recently the pug has picked up the habit, he used to be fine, I don't know what happened to change him. So, at around 3:30 this morning they both got on the bed, huddled up against me and began trembling like there's no tomorrow.

So not only did they make the bed vibrate, they gave me a great back massage too. Shit! That one was close, the windows are still rattling. I better finish up before I lose everything.

Show us the colour of your money!

2006-09-26T16:16:00.000+10:00

Marnie recently posted a photo of the fortune she made by selling her unwanted stuff and I commented that it looked a lot like ours. So in the spirit of putting my money where my mouth is, here's a picture of Aussie dollars. You may notice that there are no pennies, that's because we've done away with them. Our lowest coin is 5c and our highest is $2, that's the smaller of the two gold coloured coins.

Unlike Melissa, I didn't have to mug my kids to get a photo. Now, I'm not saying that I didn't have to put in a big effort, actually I had to sell a kidney to get this much money. But the joke's on them, because I've had so much booze over the years, that there's probably only a few weeks left in it anyway so ha ha!

This just goes to show that Coke is everywhere, and apperently so is Gumby. The bottle has 20c and 10c pieces while the can has 50c and 5c pieces.

Here's a riddle for you: What's the most American coinage can you have and still not be able to make change for a dollar?

It's black and white really.

2006-09-25T19:23:00.000+10:00

I had intended to post some pictures of the beach, but unfortunately, and not just for me but for everyone living on the Coast, there were bushfires everywhere on the weekend. Everywhere I went to get a picture, the road was either closed because of fires or closed because they were afraid that one might start.

So instead I'll show you a few photos from my architectural/ perspective phase. I found a whole swag of negatives while I was down there so I'm just working my way through scanning them in.

There are also a few sculptural pictures, so I'll put them up maybe tomorrow. I've got to say, the longer I'm away from Gosford the less time I can spend when I get down there. I probably won't ever be able to live in an urban environment again. There is just so much noise! I mean I live where cattle trucks and coal trains go by regularly but its nowhere near as annoying as the constant lawnmowers, edgers, blovacs, chainsaws and fucking outboard motors.

The drive back yesterday was absolutely amazing, I've never driven in such strong winds for such a long time, three solid hours of gale force winds. I spent the whole time pulling down on the steering wheel just to go straight, but then I'd hit a sheltered spot and suddenly find myself in the next lane. Pretty scary.

Before I go, I just want to send my thoughts to anyone suffering from the crazy weather attacking the States, so whether you're being blown of your feet in Arkansas, flooded in Indiana or burned in California my thoughts are with you. Obviously those aren't the only states being affected, but they are the headliners on our TV news.

Arrggghh!! I tried to take a shortcut with these fucking photos but fucking Blogger sucks sweaty goats balls (acknowledgement to Dooce for the expression). I loaded them with different justification but then decided I didn't like the look of it, so rather than reload everything and wait another 24 hours, I just modified the HTML, damn I wish I knew what I was doing....it just went berserk and it's probably taken as long to fix it as it would have taken to reload. So let that be a lesson to ya.

You can tell you're getting old if.....

2006-09-24T20:05:00.000+10:00

This is a recycled post but I don't think anyone (except maybe Robin) saw it the first time around.

You can tell you're getting old if you can recognise these ageing rockers, and for a bonus point can you tell where they are?

Here's another pic to give a bit of a clue as to where they are.

It was a long hot drive back from the Coast and I'm buggered, that's why I'm taking the easy way out with this post, sorry. I did reload the original picture to be a bit bigger and I added the second pic, so I wasn't totaly slack.

No Post today.

2006-09-23T19:37:00.000+10:00

That title reminds of the Herman's Hermit's song "No Milk today". I've come down to the Coast to visit MDW and say hello (actually, goodbye) to one of our cats that is beginning to fail. This may be the last time I see him.

Before I go back to the bush, I'll see if I can get some pics of the beach to show you. I can't guarantee anything because the traffic down here is murder!!!

I did write a bit in yesterday's comments if you want something to read (it's not much but I guess it's better than nothing, or maybe not).

That's interesting....

2006-09-22T18:08:00.000+10:00

Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English

25% Yankee

10% Dixie

5% Upper Midwestern

100% Strine

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

I got this at Pensieve, don't you think it's amazing how I'm 55% General American, 25% Yankee and 10% Dixie and manage to do it all that with an Australian accent. By the way, I answered all the questions honestly. If anyone finds my missing 5%, I'd like it returned, thank you.

Five Star(fish) Restaurant.

2006-09-21T17:04:00.000+10:00

Welcome to the Naiharn Beach Restaurant, Phuket.

Our friendly, professional waiters are eager to serve you..

We accept all major credit cards..

So come on, your limo awaits to take you to a dining experience..

Just in case you're wondering, they don't accept all major cards, in fact they don't accept any. A hippie told them that they would get more customers if they wrote that.

I know I’m honest.

2006-09-20T19:56:00.000+10:00

I’m writing this post today because I was prompted by one that Robin over at Pensieve just posted, although I have been thinking about it for about a month. More precisely, I have debating for about a month as to whether I would write it or not because it’s a little bit self congratulatory and I’m not all that comfortable with it.

I was watching a TV show a while back and they were making a big deal about “how honest are you?”. Now this was one of those checkout magazine type shows so their aim was to show how low people are. They left a wallet with fifty dollars and some ID on a bench in Sydney and filmed the people who found it (I should say discovered it, as it wasn’t lost in the first place). I don’t know what editing was performed, but most either took the money and left the wallet or just pocketed the wallet and walked furtively away. Only two of them (both women) made any attempt to find an owner, one took it to the nearest shop, the other to a police station a block away.

The host then posed the question “What would you do?”. Well you know me, I wouldn’t be writing this for fun (well I would but that's beside the point). As it happens, I know exactly what I would do. I know what I would do because not once, but twice I have found wallets. In both cases there were larges sums of money involved, and in both cases I managed to return them to the rightful owners.

The first time was before I met MDW, when I was living in a pub in Lithgow while working on a construction project. One night after I had my shower (this was in a shower block of about 10 showers) I found a wallet containing over fifteen hundred dollars. Now considering this was around 1976 and I was only 22 years old and had nothing, this was a lot of money. But I took it to the publican and he opened it and said that the guy was staying at the pub (which I had assumed) and that the would take me to him. The guy didn’t even realize he had lost it at this stage and was dumbfounded when the publican said “this fella has something for you” and I handed it to him.

The reason there was so much money in it was because that night was his last night before he went on holidays. Now there’s two things you need to know about Australia, a) we have never trusted cheques, until direct deposit came in (around 20 years ago) all wages were paid in cash, and b) we get four weeks annual leave. So this meant there was actually five weeks' pay (less taxes) in the wallet.

The second time was just after MDW and I came back to Oz. I found a wallet with eight hundred dollars in a phone booth. When I checked the address on the driver’s licence it turned out to be only about half a mile away so I just walked it down. Once again it contained the guy’s whole wages and he had four kids so he was real pleased to get it. Oh yeah, I just remembered, this was just before Christmas.

The similarities between these two occurrences don’t end with the large amounts of cash and the fact that it was payday. In fact those are the reasons why they were lost in the first place. In both cases the guys who lost them were drunk.

So, the point of all this? The point is, Robin said that the reward was in knowing that you did the right thing, and she's right, twenty years later I still get a warm glow when I think about it. Also, in both cases, the guys kept buying me drinks until I couldn’t stand up.

I won’t even tell you about all the times I’ve given back money when I’ve been given too much change (that would be just too goodie two shoes wouldn’t it?) but I have.

Four Things Meme Park.

2006-09-20T08:28:00.000+10:00

Julie tagged me, which I find rather ironic seeing as she's so busy with school these days that she hardly has time to blog, yet she has time to tag me!! When I first saw Robin do this I hoped I would get tagged, then I thought about what I'd say and realised I didn't have much so then I hoped I wouldn't get tagged. Nothing guarantees something is going to happen like hoping it won't.

Four jobs I have had in my life:

Apprentice electrician (indentured). Sydney
Wood and Hay carter. Bowral
Carpenter. San Jose
IT Project Manager. Sydney

Four movies I could watch over and over (and do):

Popeye. Robin Williams and Shelly Duvall. Best ever live film of a cartoon.
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid. Steve Martin. If you're a film buff, you got to see this.
Starwars. The early ones without the doofus with the long ears.
Indiana Jones. All three.

Four Places I have lived:

New Eltham. This is where Bob Hope was born.
Peterborough. Actually I lived in Omemmee but this is as close as I could get, it's about 20 miles away.
Mt Newman. This is the only decent link I could find. Pretty sad really, but you can google it yourself if you like.
Gosford. Actually Wyoming is where our house on the Coast is(it's a suburb of Gosford). This link is better. Check out the beaches.

Four things I like to do:

Watch TV. I'm a latchkey kid, the TV has been my friend for as long as I can remember
Play with the Dogs . Well not really play with them, more like watch them play with each other, it takes less effort.
Listen to (and play) music. I have a Yamaha DX-27 keyboard that I mix with real music that I have. That means my stuff comes out the speakers while artists like Van Morrison are singing.
Blogging. I'll add it if no-one else will.

Four of my favorite foods:

Donner kebab.
Sushi.
Fish and Chips.
Steak and potatoes.

Four places I would like to be right now:

Crete. The most beautiful island in the world.
Cooperstown. It's where my best friend (ET) lives.
Cape Tribulation. MDW and I spent 4 months there in a VW camper, it seems to have come a long way since then though.
Right where I am. Hey what can I say? I like it here.

Four websites I visit daily:

Are you kidding?!?! This is a meme, which means I'm a blogger. I'm not going to list four sites. I'm pleading the fifth. However if you're reading this, then its a good chance you're on my list.

Four places I have been on vacation:

Disney World. Orlando
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Cleveland
Baseball Hall of Fame. Cooperstown
Henry Ford Musesum. Detroit

Four friends I think might respond, hmmm, actually I'd be surprised if any of them respond but here goes.

Laura, Claudia, Ree and Amanda. I picked these four as they would probably have interesting answers, plus they don't read my blog everyday so it may stagger the responses a bit and save having everyone doing it at the same time. There's always the risk that none of them will read this but that's just too bad, this isn't a chain letter so who cares.

I think this may be a record for the most links in one post, I did it on purpose to try and make it a bit more entertaining (and educational).

Of course I've had Artichoke before!

2006-09-19T13:42:00.000+10:00

Just before I met MDW I went out with a woman who was a real piece of work. Not only was she a drunk, but she was a nasty drunk. In fact she was such a bitch that its amazing that I ever got married because at the breakdown of the relationship I made a solemn oath to myself that I would never date again. Two weeks later I met my wife but that's another story (one that's been partially told, I started this a long time ago).

Anyway, Terri (I'll use her real name because she's a bitch) came from LA too and her mother lived in Pasadena, so we drove down to visit for a few days. It only took a few minutes after meeting her mom to understand why Terri was such a bitch, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Her mother was even more of a piece of work than she was.

After a couple of days of constant jibes like "do you have running water in Australia?", and "do you have cars or do you ride kangaroos?" I was starting to get pretty pissed off with the pair of them. Oh, the mother was a drunk too. So the day before we were to head back to SJ her mom says we should all go out for dinner. 'We' meant Terri, her mom and her brother plus the mom's boyfriend (an ex-lineman for the Pittsburgh Steelers, fuck he was big!!) and the brother's girlfriend.

They decide to go to the Brown Derby, there were four in LA but only one still remains, the one on Los Feliz. We order our meals, mine came with a whole artichoke (and a bowl of mayo). Terri's mom says "have you ever had an artichoke before?" and by this time I was fed up with their crap, so I lied and retorted "what, do you think I'm a hillbilly or something?".

OK, now I'm assuming that all of you have had artichokes before, but in case you haven't let me explain one thing, you do not try to cut them open like you would a baked potato. I'm telling you, it took at least 10 minutes for everyone to stop laughing and 3 days for Terri to stop mentioning it (which was precisely how long it was before I told her it was time we went our separate ways).

Credit to whoever's photos I've borrowed for this post. None of them are mine.

No particular reason.

2006-09-18T00:27:00.000+10:00

I initially thought of posting these photos just becasue they are cute, hence the title of the post. But when I uploaded them I realised that there is in fact a point to it all.

Firstly, this shows Buddy as the top dog. He has to do this, for sadly outside his fantasy world, he is at the bottom of the pecking order. Occassionally he gathers his pack together, though in truth I don't think he does it on purpose (he's not that bright), it is usually as a result of him wrestling with them and they just end up all together.

Secondly, (and I didn't realise this until I had tranfered the pic to my computer) this demonstrates that it makes no diferrence whether the dogs are real or not, once a butt sniffer - always a butt sniffer.

By way of atonement

2006-09-17T08:34:00.000+10:00

To make up for my little joke, here's some pics the are more pleasant. They will also move that wascally wabbit down the page a bit.

This is another way you can tell you're in the country...

This is how you can tell you're on the coast...

This is how you can tell you've got a zoom lense...

**Updated after Robin's comment:- yes we have sandy beaches (in fact we have some of the most famous beaches in the world). I put those pictures in because I liked the motion of the sea. And technically they are not beaches they are sea walls. This however is a beach, but it's a bit boring.

You know you're in the Country when...

2006-09-16T19:56:00.000+10:00

Gross out alert: I must warn you that the last (5th) photo is pretty gross.

You know you're in the country when...

...there is plain evidence

that people are friendly

...the local radio plays so much country music

you need barbed wire for an antenna

...your dogs have horses to chase

instead of cars

...the horseshoes in your neighbour's shed

aren't for decoration

...you have a 30 mile round trip for takeout

while the pets just have to go outside

Close Encounters of the Weird kind

2006-09-15T17:17:00.000+10:00

This is an actual photo of the subject of this post

It started out innocently enough, just two buddies on a bike ride, but it would end years later with the loss of an old friend. Along the way there was laughter and there were tears, there was heart stopping horror as well as a good deal of “take that you peckerhead!”. Ok, so I’ve been reading Visible Wear again, but don’t you sometimes just want to write more than “I farted again” or “doesn’t my dog look cute”?

Meanwhile back at the story…. ET and I were riding around SJ on our bikes looking at houses (10 speeds not motorbikes, I used to do that a lot of that before I got so fat my butt overhang started getting caught in the chain). SJ is great for bike riding because the city itself is very flat, and there’s a million different types of houses to look at.

We were just coasting, no need for a sweat here, when I spotted something on the road. It was small and pink, and when I rode over to get a closer look I saw it was some kind of flexible plastic doll about 8 inches tall. It looked like a little baby but it wasn’t, I found out much later that it was an action figure of one of those little guys who came out of the spaceship in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. But as I had never seen the film I didn’t recognize it.

ET hadn’t seen Close Encounters either (and yes I get the irony), but for some strange reason he gave a noticeable shudder when he looked at it, no kidding! This thing really freaked him out, it did for years! So after my initial glee at weirding him out, I just put it in my backpack and we continued our ride.

Later that night I snuck into his and Peg’s room and hid it under his pillow. The next morning at breakfast he was none too pleased with me, I mean this thing really bothered him. The next night, I got up around midnight to get a snack (I always do, it’s a standing joke), and when I opened the fridge door, there he was sitting on the top shelf waiting for me.

Things just got rapidly worse form there, I put him in the Cornflakes, ET put him in my lunch box , I stuck him in a pair of ET’s socks in his sock draw, ET actually froze him into some ice-cream (don’t worry, he was given a good wash before any of this happened, well at least before the ice cream). You can see where I’m going with this, so I won’t belabour the point other than to emphasize that there were some really creative ideas.

Even after I returned to Oz, the weird little guy used to travel back and forth across the ocean courtesy of both the US Postal Service and Australia Post. Only now he took to getting dressed up in old Barbie outfits. This went on for years until finally some kid that ET knew wanted to join the fun, so we sent it to him and we never saw the little space guy again. But it was fun while it lasted.

Beanbag update.

2006-09-14T11:49:00.000+10:00

I don't take no crap from nobody! Especially four legged furry freeloaders!!

So whe I say no-one with more than two legs is allowed to use my new bean bag I mean it. In my house, what I say goes. And just to prove it, here's some recent pictures.

Yesterday Morning....

Yesterday Afternoon....

Yesterday Evening....

I rest my case.

**Updated after reading Karmyn's comment. These photos were all take after I laid down the law.

An Interesting Collage.

2006-09-13T20:31:00.000+10:00

It's funny the pictures that show up when you scan old negatives. These two photos are 26 years old, but the truly amazing thing is that everything in the photos (except the guitar and case) are up here with me.

I thought it might be fun to go through the items and give a brief description. I'm not too sure that it will make good reading but if I go to the effort of typing it in, I'll post it regardless.....

Guitar Case: The guitar case was worth more than the guitar! It was given to me by the guy who owned 'Pick and Grin' music store in Truckee as a wedding present. Apart from owning the music store he was also a carpenter and we worked together building a house at Alpine Meadows. We also played in a bluegrass band.

Guitar: Yamaha six string that was given to me by the guy whose house we were building. He was the guy who owned the restaurant building in Post-It Man and was a good friend of mine, still is.

Boots: I bought these babies in Sydney and at the time the photo was taken they had traveled most of the way around the world. They need new soles but I don't wear boots anymore so they just sit in a corner.

Hat: Now this was a cool hat, both figuratively and literally. The open weave let the air circulate. It was one of those hats that had copper wire around the bream so that it maintained it's shape. It also has the best feather hat band that I've ever seen.

Bag: This was (and still is) a great bag. I lived out of it for over three years. I bought it in Perth but changed the handles to webbing when I lived in England. I dyed and handstitched 2" wide webbing that was used to secure loads on trucks so that I could put the strap over my shoulder. I've always hated backpacks, you're identified as a tourist immediately.

Trunk: We bought this at Kmart in San Jose to pack with household items. It held mainly kitchenware, we bought a full set of Faberware stainless steel pots and pans (that we still use). The trunk is now just used to hold excess dog toys.

Straps: Nothing special about them except for the fact that I still have them.

The sticker on the trunk about recreation is from the California Parks and Wildlife Service. If you look closely at the leather bag, you can make out a set of Greek worry beads that I got in Athens. The guitar and case I only just recently gave to my neice.

Anyway, thanks for taking this trip down memory lane with me. I'll be doing a funny one soon so stay tuned.

Does my blog look big in this?

2006-09-12T18:16:00.000+10:00

Hey, how do you like my new makeup. I went kinda crazy here, but hey it's not too bad and I don't look like everyone else who uses the Minima template. And it even works in IE.

Speaking of IE, for all you Internet Explorer users out there, using IE is the equivalent of posting a sign in Cyberspace that says...

Attention all Hackers!
This computer is using IE.
Please feel free to attack!

Just thought I'd let you know.

Blogging is for the Birds

2006-09-12T16:13:00.000+10:00

You wimmin have your Blogging Chicks, well I've got my own gang together and here they are...

This pretty little thing is a Crimson Rosella

This guy is an Eastern Rosella

Another shot of the Eastern Rosella

Now these bad boys are Kites, they're tough hombres.

When they are around no one is safe, they are genuine raptors. Actually when they're around you rarely see any other birds unless they are big ones like Magpies or Cockatoos.

I hate Microsoft

2006-09-12T07:30:00.000+10:00

Just in case you think I'm crass, my day of mourning was yesterday. But seeing as its your day today, I don't expect anyone to read this, There is a tribute under this post if you haven't already seen it this one will still be here tomorrow........

Thanks for all the helpful suggestions but they had nothing to do with the problem (tamil is safe). It was an issue with IE. The reason I didn't fix it straight away was because I couldn't see it (ie I didn't have a problem). My browser showed the sidebar just fine, and as blogger has been doing weird things lately, I thought that was the cause. The problem was how IE handles HTML (poorly, the same as every other fucking piece of shit microsoft garbage).

I use Firefox (which handlesHTML much better) and everything looked fine. Firstly, apologies to all you IE users out there for having to put up with a 'downunder sidebar' for the last few days (I honestly didn't know what you were talking about). I know what the problem was (and I fixed it). It had nothing to do with either tamil or a picture that was too big, but thanks for the suggestions. It had to do with another change I made on the 31st of Aug, but I won't go into it because it's a bit technical (and boring).

I thought the problem would go away but when people kept commenting on it, it suddenly dawned on me to check out what Internet Explorer looked like and Bingo! So after stuffing around and getting it to work with IE, I finally have it back up and running correctly with both browsers now, unfortunately now it looks like shit in Firefox but at least it works.

Aww what the hell, I might as well show you (in case you think I'm making this up)

This is as viewed with Firefox. Note the gap between the post test and the sidebar text. See how the sidebar is right justified (not the text, the sidebar itself).

This is the same HTML viewed with Internet Explorer. IE can't handle right alignment of the sidebar, see all that real estate wasted at the right of the screen. It was this that was causing the problem (I had increased the size of the post text and justified it).

So there you have it, another Microsoft stuff up. If I sound bitter it's because I've been putting up with MS-Crap for years.

In Memorium 11th Sept 2001

2006-09-11T08:33:00.000+10:00

I won't be posting any funny stories today. I could say that life goes on after tragedies such as 9/11, but I won't. What I will say is that lives end as a result of tragedies such as 9/11 and we should not forget either those who have gone or those who are left behind.

I would also ask that you don't limit your prayers to the heroic rescue workers and innocent bystanders who were killed at the WTC and Pentagon as a result of someone's evil actions, but pray for all those who have died at the hands of evil. While an event such as 9/11 can focus our thoughts and prayers because of the massive carnage and huge loss of life, let's not forget those who have died frightened and alone because of someone's evil deeds.

An unhealthy atmoshpere

2006-09-10T18:45:00.000+10:00

A while ago, SG a good friend of ours, came up to the property with MDW to have a weekend in the bush and enjoy pleasant company and the comfort of a wood fire. After a sumptuous dinner accompanied by lashings of wine, we all settled down for some stimulating conversation.

I was at my ebullient best and SG was a rapt audience (MDW hasn’t listened to me for years, but somehow she does seem to know when to smile or frown). I could see that SG was hanging on my every word with what seemed to be total concentration.

In fact the more I talked, the harder she seemed to concentrate, as if missing even the smallest gem would be a disaster. This would have been a real compliment had it not been for the fact that I was telling one of my slapstick misadventures.

Then things got nasty, SG’s look of concentration began to take on a somewhat pained expression and I was beginning to get worried, when suddenly she jumped up and exclaimed “I can’t breathe!”

Shit! What do I do now? I’ve seen cardiac massage, mouth to mouth resuscitation and the Heimlich maneuver on TV but I had no idea how to do any of them (actually that’s not strictly true, but I don’t want to spoil a good story). I jumped out of my armchair and sprang towards her in an attempt to provide assistance.

As I came within reach of her I was soon able to diagnose the problem…

Unfortunately it was the depths of winter with temperatures below freezing, so all the windows were closed and we didn't have the heart to lock him outside. We did however, shame him into going to another room.

It's about time.

2006-09-10T07:28:00.000+10:00

Ok, why have I never noticed before your dates? It's freakin' Friday here and Saturday there! International date line is blowin' my mind right now. - Robin.

This has nothing to do with the post, I just like the pic (I just took it)

OK class, Robin seems to be struggling a little so we may have to stop here and do a bit of revision so that she can catch up. Hahahahaha! Just kidding. It has always been my experience that if one person says they don't get it, then at least half a dozen others are glad it was said, because they were in the same boat. And another couple usually don't even realise that they don't get it.

This whole date thing is interesting, but not often do you think about the mechanics of it. There are two imaginary lines that have quite a bit of significance, the Equator (because you transit from one hemisphere to the other when you cross it) and the International Dateline (because you change days when you cross it).

The Dateline is in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and unless you are sailing around the world, you will normally cross it in a plane, which somewhat decreases the experience. This is because you always view the flight as a holistic experience and you only adjust your watch once (either at the start or at the end).

But in case you have never done it, it goes something like this....If you fly from America to Australia, you depart LAX tonight and arrive SYD in the morning of the day after tomorrow. If you fly from Australia to America, you depart SYD tonight and arrive at LAX this morning. No, you read that right, if you leave Sydney in the afternoon, you arrive in LA in the morning of the same day.

Now as for instantaneous time diferrences, I always talk to ET at 9:30am Monday mornings. That means he is talking to me at 7:30pm Sunday night. And Robin, this is why I said that I circumnavigated counter clockwise the second time, to get back the day I lost the first time. It cancels itself out if you do a return trip, but if you go all the way around the world in one direction, you're either a day up or a day down depending on which direction you travel.

Oh, just one more little thing, I don't get up until I'm sure that if I stay in bed any longer I'll develop bed sores. Why do I mention this? Well, there's no way that I'm going to get up early so that the morning readers can get their daily dose with their coffee (actually if I got up early it would still be after lunch yesterday for you guys), so I post the night before but put tomorrow's timestamp on the post. You didn't seriously think that I posted at exactly 7:00am every morning did you? Why do I do this, so that everyone is reading the same day's post on the same date regardless of time. I know it's weird, but then so am I.

Now if anyone understood any of that could you please explain it to me.

It's been a bad week.

2006-09-09T13:04:00.000+10:00

Boy, I'll tell ya, it's been a tough week over here. Another one of our much loved icons was killed yesterday in a freak accident. Peter Brock was killed when his car hit a tree during a rally in Perth yesterday. You probably have never heard of him, but trust me, he is as well (if not better) known here than Steve Irwin. There will be a State funeral for him next week, Irwin's family declined the offer of a State funeral.

Although he retired from racing a few years ago, he still did the occassional rally to raise funds for the many charities he supported. He even started his own charity for underprivileged children. He was driving a Chevy Daytona.

Pre-Weblog.

2006-09-09T07:10:00.000+10:00

I was reading Songbird's latest post (a very good one I might add) and was inspired to do one of my own (hey admit it, we all borrow ideas). Her's was a story she had written in 2nd grade that her mother had kept (good on you mom), and there were comments to the effect that she was a prehistoric blogger. That reminded me of something I did 30 years ago so here's a few pics.....

The precursor to today's blog. This is the actual book. I didn't write it as a diary as such, because I got it cheap in April so the days don't match up. It, in fact, turned out to be a collection of stories, much like I'm doing now.

I didn't have a camera for much of the time I wrote my log, so I made do with drawings. This is a story about the time I was in a flood. A really scary time for me because I'd only ever seen flooding on TV before this happened.

Showing some of my artistic efforts. Again, don't let the dates fool you. I wrote in this book for a few years, all the drawings were done at the back.

This story is about the time I collided head-on with a concrete truck, a story that I'll re-tell sometime soon. I may even quote some of the original story.

I had to laugh when I saw this one, those of you who have read the 'Story of me' trilogy should recall that I was robbed in New Zealand, hence the sentiment. It seems my lanuage hasn't improved all that much over the years.

This was a really sad story, it was about the time my dogs (a beagle and a red cattle dog) were nabbed by the dog catcher while I was at work. They were caught a few times as a money making sideline for the white trash dog catcher. It used to cost me every time I got them out, which was a real pain, as apart from not having much money, I got him from the pound in the first place. The dog catcher used to call them and when they came he would lock them up. As a result, the beagle ultimately had to be put down because he contracted distemper (I accept a portion of blame for not having him immunised but I didn't really know better at the time).

It was on a Sunday and I had to get the local vet (he had a set of keys) to come and do it because the dog catcher was nowhere to be found for the last few days and I couldn't get them out. I had to hold him while the vet injected the lethal dose of whatever it was. He just slumped in my arms and expired. Titch was a good dog and it was a shame it wasn't the other way around because the cattle dog was a real pain in the arse.

Bonus post.

2006-09-08T09:26:00.000+10:00

I've been cutting down on my posts lately, as I realised it wouldn't be too long before I ran out of stuff at the rate I was posting. But this just happened a few minutes ago and I'm still laughing. As per usual there's a bit of background.

The dogs sleep inside (on the bed) all the time, the cats sleep outside most of the time but want to come in around 6:00am to get some breakfast. Sometimes I let them in (if I need to get up and go to the bathroom) otherwise they wait until I'm ready. I normally feed them dry food in the morning, but every now and then I give my favourite one some cheese (hey they're not children, I'm allowed to like one more than the other). The dogs stay in bed usually until I come and tell them to go outside.

Now, while the dogs can't here the command "come" when it's issued 2ft from them, they can hear the sound of a vacuum seal being broken a mile away. Buddy is always the first one there, he's like a lightning bolt, followed by Bentley loping up behind him.

This morning though, I heard a thud and Bentley was first to arrive, hmmm strange. After I'd fed Booey (my favourite cat) I gave Bentley his cheese but still no Buddy, so I called him. I called him again, he didn't come, now that's really strange because a 'come' in the house always means food.

So I went to investigate and this is what I found......

I thought he might get out by the time I got the camera, as I heard him struggling while I was coming down the hall, but he was so entangled he just waited patiently until I extricated him.

Actually both dogs are the same, if they get caught up in things and I'm around somewhere, they just sit there until I show up. Same thing when they get a thorn, they stand there with one paw raised so that I can see they're in trouble. We have these things called cats heads that a really nasty, when they start to show up I'll get a picture for ya.

What's that noise?

2006-09-08T07:00:00.000+10:00

What goes BBRRRRR AAGGGHHH AHHHHH BBRRRR AAGGGHHHH AHHHH FUCKTHISSHIT !!!!!!!

That's the horrible scream that emanated from my shower after I putzed around with the pressure switch. Let me explain.....

For the last two or three months, my cold water pressure has been getting less and less, the hot water is constant because it's gravity fed from a tank in the ceiling (hey! I just realised I've got a post about that too, later).

I had decided to live with the low pressure because we're in the grip of the worst drought in 50 years so I figured the lower the pressure, the less water I was using (I depend on rainwater). And in truth it was no big deal, but eventually I had to take action when the washing machine started to take three days to fill!

Now, seeing as I installed the pump, I knew how to mess with the pressure switch, you wanna see a picture?

This is when I replaced the old one.

So, I upped the setting a little (meaning the pump would cut in earlier and go longer) and went back inside to check out the results, nada, zilch, sqwat! Back out to the pump and a bit more tweaking. Back inside to see the results. What the fuck! Nothing is happening. By rights the house should be shaking on it's foundations with the water pressure I just set.

I suddenly had a sinking feeling, Oh shit! This has happened before....

This is what I had to do last time the water stopped, now that's a story for another time.

Anyway, before I dug up the pipe again, I wanted to check for other possible causes. I pulled the filter out and Bingo! Phew, no digging. The filter was totaly clogged so I hit it with a high pressure water jet (from another water source) and voila.

The next morning I had a much anticipated shower, unfortunately I forgot that I had adjusted the pressure switch and hadn't set it back to where it should be after discovering the filter was clogged. Because the hot water is gravity fed it is constant, the cold water however was alternating between nothing and enough pressure to press me against the shower wall. So I spent the whole time trying to evade being either frozen (and I mean frozen!) or scalded. (thanks Beth)

The Man From Snowy River.

2006-09-07T07:30:00.000+10:00

There have been a few questions regarding the horse in the last post and while I was answering them it occured to me that you guys may not know about this. The Man From Snowy River is actually one of our most loved poems, it was written by Banjo Patterson, instead of giving a link to it, I've just pasted it here to make it easier for anyone who want to read it.

The movie was based on the poem. Before we start, a couple of bits of trivia (you know how I love my trivia), firstly if you have seen the movie, you would know that they ride down the side of a mountain, that mountain is part of the range that's behind the horse in the second picture of the previous post.

Secondly, do any of you remember the opening ceremony of the 2000 Sydney Olympics? They had a re-enactment of the muster (roundup) from the Man From Snowy River, you know the bit with all those guys on horseback. Well here's the thing, the guy riding the horse in the first picture was actually the guy who led the roundup in the opening ceremony. He was given this honour because he supplied 25 of the horses used.

Finally, there is a reference to a Timor pony, he doesn't mean the island in the Indonesian acrchepeligo, he's refering to a town about 10 miles from here which to this day is noted for horse breeding.

So without further ado let me present The Man From Snowy River........

THERE was movement at the station, for the word had passed around
That the colt from old Regret had got away,
And had joined the wild bush horses — he was worth a thousand pound,
So all the cracks had gathered to the fray.
All the tried and noted riders from the stations near and far
Had mustered at the homestead overnight,
For the bushmen love hard riding where the wild bush horses are,
And the stock-horse snuffs the battle with delight.

There was Harrison, who made his pile when Pardon won the cup,
The old man with his hair as white as snow;
But few could ride beside him when his blood was fairly up—
He would go wherever horse and man could go.
And Clancy of the Overflow came down to lend a hand,
No better horseman ever held the reins;
For never horse could throw him while the saddle-girths would stand,
He learnt to ride while droving on the plains.

And one was there, a stripling on a small and weedy beast,
He was something like a racehorse undersized,
With a touch of Timor pony—three parts thoroughbred at least—
And such as are by mountain horsemen prized.
He was hard and tough and wiry—just the sort that won’t say die—
There was courage in his quick impatient tread;
And he bore the badge of gameness in his bright and fiery eye,
And the proud and lofty carriage of his head.

But still so slight and weedy, one would doubt his power to stay,
And the old man said, “That horse will never do
For a long and tiring gallop—lad, you’d better stop away,
Those hills are far too rough for such as you.”
So he waited sad and wistful—only Clancy stood his friend —
“I think we ought to let him come,” he said;
“I warrant he’ll be with us when he’s wanted at the end,
For both his horse and he are mountain bred.

“He hails from Snowy River, up by Kosciusko’s side,
Where the hills are twice as steep and twice as rough,
Where a horse’s hoofs strike firelight from the flint stones every stride,
The man that holds his own is good enough.
And the Snowy River riders on the mountains make their home,
Where the river runs those giant hills between;
I have seen full many horsemen since I first commenced to roam,
But nowhere yet such horsemen have I seen.”

So he went — they found the horses by the big mimosa clump —
They raced away towards the mountain’s brow,
And the old man gave his orders, ‘Boys, go at them from the jump,
No use to try for fancy riding now.
And, Clancy, you must wheel them, try and wheel them to the right.
Ride boldly, lad, and never fear the spills,
For never yet was rider that could keep the mob in sight,
If once they gain the shelter of those hills.’

So Clancy rode to wheel them—he was racing on the wing
Where the best and boldest riders take their place,
And he raced his stock-horse past them, and he made the ranges ring
With the stockwhip, as he met them face to face.
Then they halted for a moment, while he swung the dreaded lash,
But they saw their well-loved mountain full in view,
And they charged beneath the stockwhip with a sharp and sudden dash,
And off into the mountain scrub they flew.

Then fast the horsemen followed, where the gorges deep and black
Resounded to the thunder of their tread,
And the stockwhips woke the echoes, and they fiercely answered back
From cliffs and crags that beetled overhead.
And upward, ever upward, the wild horses held their way,
Where mountain ash and kurrajong grew wide;
And the old man muttered fiercely, “We may bid the mob good day,
No man can hold them down the other side.”

When they reached the mountain’s summit, even Clancy took a pull,
It well might make the boldest hold their breath,
The wild hop scrub grew thickly, and the hidden ground was full
Of wombat holes, and any slip was death.
But the man from Snowy River let the pony have his head,
And he swung his stockwhip round and gave a cheer,
And he raced him down the mountain like a torrent down its bed,
While the others stood and watched in very fear.

He sent the flint stones flying, but the pony kept his feet,
He cleared the fallen timber in his stride,
And the man from Snowy River never shifted in his seat—
It was grand to see that mountain horseman ride.
Through the stringy barks and saplings, on the rough and broken ground,
Down the hillside at a racing pace he went;
And he never drew the bridle till he landed safe and sound,
At the bottom of that terrible descent.

He was right among the horses as they climbed the further hill,
And the watchers on the mountain standing mute,
Saw him ply the stockwhip fiercely, he was right among them still,
As he raced across the clearing in pursuit.
Then they lost him for a moment, where two mountain gullies met
In the ranges, but a final glimpse reveals
On a dim and distant hillside the wild horses racing yet,
With the man from Snowy River at their heels.

And he ran them single-handed till their sides were white with foam.
He followed like a bloodhound on their track,
Till they halted cowed and beaten, then he turned their heads for home,
And alone and unassisted brought them back.
But his hardy mountain pony he could scarcely raise a trot,
He was blood from hip to shoulder from the spur;
But his pluck was still undaunted, and his courage fiery hot,
For never yet was mountain horse a cur.

And down by Kosciusko, where the pine-clad ridges raise
Their torn and rugged battlements on high,
Where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze
At midnight in the cold and frosty sky,
And where around the Overflow the reedbeds sweep and sway
To the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide,
The man from Snowy River is a household word to-day,
And the stockmen tell the story of his ride.

A.B.(Banjo)Patterson

Hey buddy, wanna buy a horse?

2006-09-06T07:35:00.000+10:00

My next door neighbour is selling one of his horses and asked if I would take a couple of pictures for the advertisement. He would normally sell his stock at the saleyards but there is a horse event being held this weekend, so he thought he might be able to take advantage of the crowds.

These are the pictures we settled on....

He liked this one because it showed the horse's balance and responsiveness.

This one shows the confirmation. And for those not interested in horses, those hills in the background are part of The Great Dividing Range (look it up).

I just have to comment on something that Julie said regarding my last post. Isn't it funny that the posts I sweat blood over I get a few comments, but when I give up and throw the towel in, I get my best response yet! I know it was out of sympathy but I do appreciate it.

Sorry, I've got nothing.

2006-09-05T07:03:00.000+10:00

I've been struck by a bad case of writer's block. Actually that's not true, I've really been struck by a bad case of lazy bastard and just don't feel like writing anything. Hopefully I'll get my mojo back soon. In the meantime, this is a clever name for a shop. And yes, it's a real shop in California.

There are many different lands.

2006-09-04T07:00:00.000+10:00

~Thailand~

~Scotland~

~No-mans's land~

Bentley, Bentley, Bentley

2006-09-03T06:25:00.000+10:00

A few months back I noticed a strange pheonomenum, whenever I got up from watching TV there always seemed to be crap around my armchair (and I know I didn't put it there). Finally I figured out the mystery and here's the story.

As I'm the only one living here (read no kids) my place is normally pretty tidy, much like the picture below (note, it has been tidied up for the photo). But beagles being beagles, Bentley likes to play with things. I got him a small dog (Buddy the pugalier) but sometimes he gets tired of him and wants to play with me.

So what he'll do to engage me is he'll bring over one of his toys and try to get me to grab it and throw it somewhere in the house. He does this by just sitting there with it in his mouth. He likes to chase after it and bring it back to me (ironically he won't do this outside and I've never been able to get him to play fetch in the yard). When he retrieves his toy he'll bring it back and present it to me so we can play tug-of-war, this suits me because I don't ever have to get out of my chair.

He's got quite a range of toys and he's supposed to put them back in his toy box when he's finished, but he never has and I usually end up doing it for him. He tends to go for fabric type stuff because it's best to play tug-of-war with, so I give him my old t-shirts and socks. He used to try it with my new t-shirts and socks but he responds to pain very quickly and now he always lets me look at what he's playing with before he starts chewing (he actually brings stuff to me for approval, it's really funny).

What I noticed quite by accident was that if he didn't engage me pretty much straight away, he determined that the toy must be no good (whereas in fact it's usually because I'm watching TV). He's normal course of action is to get another toy and see if that works.

Out of interest one day, I thought I'd see what would happen if I totally ignored him. The results speak for themselves.....

Now this didn't happen in one go, he had about four or five diferrent attempts over the course of the day (we're talking beagle here, and they're known for their tenacity). Actually one of the criteria listed in the AKC is that "a beagle must persue its quarry until either it or the quarry can run no further".

It also says their eyes must have a baleful expression, who the fuck comes up with this stuff?

Pimp my Blog.

2006-09-02T09:11:00.000+10:00

Somebody help me!!!

I can't stop adding crap to my sidebar. ~~Ah! So that's how you do a strike through!!~~

I'll probably get rid of them soon, they tend to slow down the page load, but for now I'll just have some fun. Thanks Karmyn and Marnie.

Hey has anyone figured out you can feed Tamil? You can also make him purr (actually impossible for a tiger, but hey this is the blogosphere so anything is possible).

An unscheduled Q&A

2006-09-02T08:21:00.000+10:00

Look out Julie, I think someone is after your 'Barbara Walters' Oaubie. Robin asked so may questions that replying in the comments seemed inappropriate, so we'll do a whole post.

This doesn't mean that I'm opening the floor to questions like you guys have been doing recently (I think you all should be on Oprah!).

But before we start on the perils of pooping, I thought a reminder of why we go there in the first place is in order (hence the picture).

1) Were you there working or vacationing or merely on an adventure?
a) Those pictures were taken on the trip back to Australian after having spent 3 years in the States. However, I have worked at this place on a previous occasion, and I have also adventured there on several other occasions. So I guess the answer is yes.

2) In the absence of tp, what does one do?
a) The short answer is that you use your hand. How it works is that before going in, you fill a thing that's like a 1/2 gallon plastic ice-cream container (with a handle) with water. After you've done your business, you pour the water on your hand and wipe your butt, you repeat this until the water is gone, thus having both cleaned you arse and flushed the toilet at the same time.

2A) Can I presume shaking hands is not part of the cultural mores?
a) This is a very good question (and you just thought you were being funny). Firstly most Asian countries don't shake hands, in Thailand for example the hands are place palms together and the head is bowed. But more importantly, it is why in Sharia law a thief's right hand is cut off, thereby excluding them from communal meals. As the saying goes 'right hand for eating, left hand for shitting'.

3) How many people share these "facilities"
a) As many as are staying there.

4) How often does one bathe? I'd use the sea and a bar of Ivory.
a) The sea and a bar of ivory works just fine. After a while the salt on the skin doesn't feel too bad, remember its a hot country so the clothing is lightweight. If you're going into town you would have a shower.

5) Although I don't want it, I need a working visual of the toilet--can't begin to understand how to straddle that big boy. It looks cold, and I imagine, it's not often that "sanitary" looking.
a) Karmyn gave a good description when she said it was like a urinal in the floor. The comode itself is about 24" long and 18" wide at the foot blocks (roughly). Wearing a sarong or dress it's a simple matter of placing your feet on the foot blocks, hiking up the clothes and squatting, the action is similar throughout Asia and you often see people (peasants) doing it on the side of the road in India and Sri Lanka (Thais are more discrete). Interestingly, asian men often squat to pee.

6)Months without a solid stool....ummmm, do you intentionally cause that to happen?
a) No, it's not done on purpose (other than being there on purpose). It's usually caused by one of three factors, poor hygiene (everywhere), extra spicey food, or the water. Sometimes culture shock can do it too.

A couple of supplementals.

I'm assuming you mean solid stool as in sitting on...rather than solid stool as in runny poo. or is it the other way around.
Pamela! What are you thinking? Do you think this is a land of beanbags or something? That would be an affirmative on liquid crap.

And one from Beth.....
Okay, this has nothing to do with this post, but why didn't you tell us it was your birthday?
Ah Beth, maybe you could look at the comments for my...birthday post where you will find one from beth that says "So...I hope you got to have some cake too (if you know what I mean)...so your wife wasn't able to stay the night? I know it's none of my business..spank me!"

Not for the Faint Hearted.

2006-09-02T07:30:00.000+10:00

Yeah, yeah. Tropical Islands are wonderful! Sure sure, so exotic and pretty, and cheap too!! But here's why they're cheap. This is the Toilet of the 'resort' we stayed at for a couple of months, and believe me it's better than a lot of others.

You soon learn a few home truths, 1. jeans and tailored trousers just don't work and 2. under no circumstances can you use toilet paper. The toilets work on a simple gravity system and are flushed with the water that washes your hand - take a moment to think about that, remember no toilet paper.

Here's the shower facilities, this one actually had running water, in a manner of speaking. The pipe you see with a tap on the end of it is only use to fill the concrete tub every few days. The actual shower was an ice cream container dipped into the tub and poured over you. It's better being there during the monsoons because you can then shower under rainwater.

So why are jeans and trousers a no go? Because the picture on the right is what the actual toilet looks like. This is common throughout Asia and in fact I've even seen them in Greece. You'll realise pretty damn quick that there is a reason why everyone wears sarong type apparel.

It does take some getting used to but after a few months you don't even notice it, unless some dumb two day tourist has used toilet paper and clogged everything up. And that can be a problem. The other major hassle is going months without a solid stool. So, anyone up for an adventure?

Spring is here! Woo hoo!

2006-09-01T14:57:00.000+10:00

A couple of days ago I noticed that buds were starting to form on this tree out the back, I'd like to call it something but it's never born fruit so I don't know what it is, although the flowers look like cherry.

I took this picture of the same branch today.

And here's a couple of bees going about their business, they look small because there's no way I was going to get any closer!

Some travel snaps.

2006-09-01T07:40:00.000+10:00

I mentioned in passing the other day that I was scanning some old negatives. There turned out to be quite a few from southern Thailand, so over the next few days I'll be doing a mini travelogue and using the photos as a reference point. There is one particular story in which I'm a hero, but that's later, for now here's a small sampler.

Awww pretty trees and ocean. It was a bit hairy getting this because I had to climb over a ledge. It doesn't look it but it was really steep.

This is a shot of the general terrain. I should really have cropped this (or put it in the film in the feeder correctly).

Now I want you to remember this photo as it will feature in at least two of the upcoming stories. The Huts on the right are where we stayed for about eight weeks.

Blog day Post.

2006-09-01T07:30:00.000+10:00

I just read a post on Karmyn's blog and thought this might be fun.

("Excuse me?")

Sorry can you hang on for a minute?

("What are you saying? Oh Blog Day! OK, now I get it").

Ah, there's seem to be some kind of mistake here. I'm supposed to be giving links to five Blogs. Oops

Here's my five, Karmyn is posting one's she doesn't regularly read so I'm going to do the same. If you want the ones I read regularly, just go to any of my posts and read the comments - I read the commentors blogs everyday.

Wil Wheaton - the granddaddy of bloggers.

Visible Wear - well written essays based around a photograph.

Go Fug Yourself - really catty but funny criticism of celebrity fashion sense.

Coconut and Lime - this is a great site choc full of recipes.

Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper - On her day (preferably an off one) she is hilarious.

I was supposed to let the authors know that I linked to them, but hey there aren't that many who read my blog so they'll never notice the difference, that and I'm a lazy bastard.

Oh Shit! I forgot to put the Blog Day link in (thanks Songbird)

In Memory of Carrie and Hillary

2006-08-31T21:53:00.000+10:00

No they didn't die, but it feels like we've lost a friend through tragic circumstances. So this picture is for Scottish Carrie....

This is the only Gaelic photo I have so it will have to do. You're not gonna believe this, but I checked Wikki to make sure it was called Gaelic (I was going to go with Celtic), and they had a picture of a sign in Mallaig, which is exactly where this was taken.

The reason I was in Mallaig (with BJ) is because that's where you catch the ferry to the Isle of Skye, which is my ancestoral seat.

Some random photos

2006-08-31T07:35:00.000+10:00

I'm just tidying up a bit and these photos were in my 'blog photos' folder but aren't really strong enough to work a story around, so I'm just throwing them in here so I can delete them from the folder.

This is a close up of our driveway on the Coast. If you've ever wondered why I always capitalise the 'c' in coast, it's not because I'm confused about the usage of proper nouns. It's actually short for 'The Central Coast' which is the geographic area who's southernmost point is just north of the Hawksbury River and northenmost point is just south of Lake Macquarie.

Remember the picture of the Willow Tree Inn? This is the only other commercial building in Willow Tree and is directly opposite the pub.

This is what happens if you don't perform routine maintenance.

Who hates Public Speaking?

2006-08-31T07:00:00.000+10:00

Who's afraid of Public Speaking (obviously the teachers among you aren't afraid, but what about the rest?)

Not me, I love it! And the bigger the audience the better. My record is 500 people. I find the small audiences harder, big ones are easier to disassocciate from. The more AV stuff the better, love them 20 ft screens and lapel microphones and having someone else to control the Powerpoint slides.

I love laser pointers and having my image projected on large screens while I prance around the stage. But I'm not lying when I say I hate having attention focused on me in real life, it's like some actors (actually it's the same thing).

When you speak at the larger conferences you normally have to give your presentation to the media guy the day before you speak (somethimes a week prior) and talk to the organisers about any AV requirements so they can have everything ready. Once at a conference on high speed data switching in Bangkok, the media guy came up to me all panicky about an hour before my presentation. He was sure that he had lost the text part of my preso because there was only graphics and dot points. When I told him that's all there was his jaw dropped. He needn't have worried, based on audience feedback forms, I was voted 'speaker of the conference'.

Jeez, I just love blowing my own horn, but seriously, what are your views on public speaking?

Now that's a Hershey's kiss!

2006-08-30T07:35:00.000+10:00

This little baby was over a pound of solid chocolate.

The small one is normal size.

Earl Schieb was here.

2006-08-30T07:30:00.000+10:00

I've just had my weekly session with ET and warned him that the revelations would continue unchecked unless he visited my blog. He not only wouldn't commit to checking it out, he gave me even more ammunition, but as they aren't first hand accounts, I probably won't use them, but then I might.

Before we begin, I need to bring you up to speed on PO, his wife, as her behavior is germane. Not only did PO have no sense of embarrassment, even worse, she reveled in embarrassing others (particularly me). For those familiar with Ree's writing, I'm just like MM in so far as I hate having any attention focused on me in a crowd (ironic, considering I'm an accomplished public speaker).

By contrast PO loves attention and will do what ever it takes to get it. She has one of those distinctive (and extremely shrill) laughs, if her laugh was a meal it would have been served with a side order of straightjacket. It was loud, piercing and hysterical and she was not afraid to use it. She would put it to great effect in restaurants (which we went to often), and would purposely let out such a maniacal chortle that it was guaranteed to startle everyone within a ten table radius. Thereby ensuring that the entire restaurant would be staring at our table in astonishment.

So to ET's story, the morning after the party, while I was lying in bed hoping the day would just go away, I heard what seemed to be a blood curdling scream. I was shocked into wakefulness (not to mention hurt physically) by what turned out to be one of PO's hysterical outbursts. I sprang out of bed (well sort of, I got tangled in the bedding and ended up on the floor) and rushed to see what was wrong. The scene that greeted me was like something out of CSI. The bathtub looked like a body had been dismembered in it and it took a couple of seconds to realise that PO was shaking with laughter, not shock.

Seems ET thought rather than run the risk of getting the the bathroom covered in wine barf if he missed the toilet, it would be better to aim for the bath which afforded him a bigger target. Having performed the equivalent of an Earl Schieb $99 spray job, it then took him hours to get the colour out of the bath. We're talking old bath with worn porcelain, i.e. no sheen and very porous and the wine didn't give up without a fight.

So ET, you keep ignoring me and I'll keep writing.

Trivia update.

2006-08-29T07:45:00.000+10:00

A while back I asked about the cast of Taxi, in response to a conversation on Who's the Boss. Robin was either the only one who saw it, or the only one who knew (or possibly the only one who gives a shit), but for whatever reason, she's the only one who answered.

And Robin you were half right. That is you got half of the cast, then ones you missed were Christopher Lloyd, Andy Kaufman and Jeff Conaway (who was in Grease and married Olivia Neutron Bomb's sister).

Still waiting for the Maynard G. Krebs answer.......

And what happened to the girl who played Zelda Gilroy?

You can always get a Coke

2006-08-29T07:33:00.000+10:00

This is not a joke, it really is a sign for Coke, it's just not in English (or even English lettering).

No matter where you go in this big old world of ours, you can always get a bottle of (not nessesarily ice cold) Coca Cola.

And just as well too, because without it Mekong whiskey tastes like sewer water.

These are some of life's little necessities, Coke, Whisky, Ice, Coffee and in the bowl under the coffee mug, Ganga. (pron Gunjah)

Is that the Trevi Fountain over there?

2006-08-28T07:27:00.000+10:00

I'm not all that confident that this will translate into print, being one of those classic 'you had to be there' kind of stories. But the truth is, it's not about the story. It's about teaching that lowlife, slack arsed, luddite best friend of mine a lesson.

I have been telling him for over a month now that if he doesn't look at my blog (I've got a sitemeter and I'm trying to make it look impressive, so every bit helps) I will write an expose about him. So far no sign of him, so here it is.

ET and I have many shared interests, but its our differences that have made us friends for so long, kind of like we're the yin to each other's yang (hmm that doesn't sound too good, I just know pamela's going to ask me which side I part my hair, again). Fact is, I'm a knockabout sort of Aussie guy, while he's one of those bon vivant types. For him its wine, women and song, whereas for me it's beer, the old lady and tv. Speaking of wine, he loves the stuff with a passion, it's a shame it thinks so little of him.

Apart from being one of the most cultured people I know, ET is also one of those very engaging conversationalists that give you the impression that they're actually interested in what you're saying. Sadly, I on the other hand, have a habit of walking away while someone's talking to me if I'm starting to get bored. Must be ADHD or something.

One day we were at a party at a friends house and ET was at his charming best, for you see as long as we've been friends, he's been in a relationship with the same woman (they got married about a month after us, but they were together for about ten years before), so in all the time I've known him, has never had that stench of desperation that single men have when trying to talk to women.

So here we are in the kitchen after consuming copious amounts of wine, talking to two friendly girls. ET is leaning against the sink regaling them with one of his many stories, when all of a sudden in mid sentence he puts his hand up as if to stop traffic and says "Excuse me" and then calmly turns around and does the best impression of one of those fancy fountains that I've ever seen. I'm talking about a stream of liquid so perfect in it's trajectory that you can't help but marvel at the engineering involved in making it. I'm telling you, it was an ephemeral work of art! The main difference being of course, that most fountains use clear water and ET's was more like that red cool-aid colour.

Having produced one of the all time great works of performance art, he turned back around and continued the story at the exact spot he was at before he paused to fill the sink. For the next few minutes he calmly talked and cleaned at the same time so that by the time he was finished the story, the sink was sparkling. The girls were too stunned to say anything and I just buckled at the knees and ended up on the floor in hysterics.

There is an addendum to this, but I'll give him one more chance before I write it.

Where's Wally?

2006-08-27T11:37:00.000+10:00

Actually this is more like 'Where in the World is Carmen Miranda?' but hey Wally will do. If Wally had a camera and was taking these pictures, where would he be?

Cairo maybe?

Or perhaps Aswan?

Or could it be Alexandria?

Ok, you know by now I'm just playing around.

If Wally had taken these pictures (instead of me), we would have been at the Rosicrucian Museum in San Jose California.

Must be Nouveau Cuisine

2006-08-27T11:31:00.000+10:00

I took this picture when I was in Tamworth a few of days ago....

Now I don't know about you, but it doesn't sound all that appealing to me.

Now that's Impressive

2006-08-27T08:44:00.000+10:00

I won't bore you with a long list of things made by humans just to tell you that this is the most impressive that I've seen. But if I did, it would include Stonehenge, Eiffel Tower, Acropolis, Collusuem and Red Square. But as a purely amazing example of human endeavour you can't go past this.

Where's the proof?

2006-08-27T07:30:00.000+10:00

A lot of people have been making claims recently about laying some pretty decent SBDs, but how many can offer documentary evidence?

I can.....

And this picture was taken in a trailer so we're talking heavy duty aroma.

Tony and Judith.

2006-08-26T16:12:00.000+10:00

I have researched the question of whether Anthony Micelli and Angela Bowers ever got married, and those who say they didn't are completely correct. There was a proposal and an acceptance, there was co-habitation and even a move to another town, but by the end of the series (Sept 10 1992) no actual marriage. What a pair of sinners!

Now we've each got a beanbag.

2006-08-26T14:57:00.000+10:00

A couple of weeks back when I was on the Coast, some friends of mine gave me a bean bag. This was no great act of philanthropy, fact is, it no longer fitted in with their decor (excuse me? has any beanbag ever fit in with any decor?).

Anyway, my place is pretty eclectic seeing as it was mostly furnished with castoff stuff from the other house, so I thought I'd give it a try (having never owned one before, and in truth never having been a fan of them). But I did have a spot for it where I would be able to sit in the sun, so I took it.

Both dogs already have one each (thanks to BJ, formerly known as MDW) so now we all get to have one. This is buddy's......

This is not......

Attention: Public Anouncement.

2006-08-26T09:55:00.000+10:00

This has nothing to do with the post, but its funny and we all like fart stories. It's also only the second pic I've posted that isn't mine.

Attention all OUAB readers! Please be advised of several name changes.

In an effort to make things easier for everyone (including me), as of today there will be two significant names changes, MDW and MBF will now be refered to by their initials.

MDW will now be known as BJ while MBF will be referred to as ET (I'm not kidding, that's his intials!)

You may still refer to me as 'Oh Great One' or 'Your Mightiness', whichever you feel most comfortable with. Then again WT, Willow or Pete works too.

An interesting sculpture

2006-08-26T08:16:00.000+10:00

This is a sculpture of the Virgin Mary (I've always had trouble saying that with a straight face) in San Jose Ca. It's actually a bit out of SJ on 17 but I forget the name of the town, its somewhere around Milpitas.

This is a close up of the face, the detail is really quite amazing. And if you haven't figured it out yet, its made of stainless steele.

Now, here's a picture of me next to it to give it some perspective. That's a full grown pine behind it.

A minor clarification.

2006-08-26T07:31:00.000+10:00

I would have done this in the coments but I may be too long for that. I'm sorry if I gave anyone the impression that I'm some kind of rugged frontier man like Crocadile Dundee, living rough in the outback, that couldn't be firther from the truth.

True I don't have water, sewerage and garbage service, but that dosen't mean I don't have them. If you lived here you wouldn't notice any real change from where you live (well, except for the funny accents on TV and all the food wrappers looking diferrent, and there's no neighours). The fact is, I go to the sink and water comes out of the tap, the shower works fine and the toilet flushes. Its just that everything is handled on site; the water is in 3x25,000 gallon rainwater tanks, the toilet has a septic system and the garbage tip is only a few miles away.

Sorry if I just destroyed an illusion but everything I write is true, I learned long ago that while I'm a smart fella, I'm not smart enough to be able to carry a lie.

And speaking of destroying an illusion, I'm a tad concerned that I may never see some of you again now that I've revealed all. Let's face it, how many of you kept watching after Miss Fein married Mister Sheffield? And for that matter who really cared what happened after Tony Danza married Judith Light (some of you might need to think about that one!).

So if you get bored and drift away, I'll understand, sniff.

However......I am planning some funny ones very soon so you may want to think twice before jumping ship.

The Story of me. The wrap up.

2006-08-25T19:30:00.000+10:00

Well that's it, thanks everyone for all your compliments. There's just one thing that I want to make clear before I answer (if I can) a few questions. Several of you have expressed the fear that your life is boring compared to mine, or just plain boring. Read my lips..'Your lives are not boring'. I don't say this to make anyone feel better, I say it because it's a fact and I believe it. It only seems boring to you because you are living it and you know the full story.

Just stop for a second and ask yourself "when was the last I time was able to spend all day watching TV because I had nothing to do?" That's closer to the definition of boredom. You need to be careful not to confuse a boring life with one that doesn't have an exotic backdrop. The only difference between our lives is that my stage scenery is a bit more colourful, but ultimately the script doesn't vary that much between us all. You're born, you leave the nest, you make a life then you die.

1. How long ago was this? I've lived here for 3 years.

2. Don't you miss the spoonin? Even when we sleep in the same bed we don't spoon, never have.

3. Don't you miss morning coffee on the patio - no words- just company? MDW doesn't drink coffee.

4. Don't you miss someone to tell you to take out the garbage? NO.

5. How difficult is the cost of two households? It's not too bad. As this house is in regional Australia the rates (what you call taxes) are very cheap, I don't pay for water, sewerage or garbage because there isn't any. We own this one and only have a fairly small mortgage on the Coast house (and we have enough money in the bank to pay it out if we want to).

6. Don't you worry that someone might sweep her off her feet? She is gorgeous. No I don't and yes she is.

7. Did YDW just say Okay? Yes, she had to be on board because everything we own is in joint names. She's used to my hairbrained schemes, I've come home with sailing boats more than once.

8. How often do you guys get to see each other? Usually every two or three months, but sometimes it can be every week. It depends on her schedule, she speaks at conferences all around Australia and overseas, last Feb she spoke at one in Vancouver.

9. Are you guys on the phone with each other a lot? We speak every few days. She gets home so late after a day of intense human interaction that she doesn't have much left in the tank. If we need to talk we do.

The Story of me. Part 3

2006-08-25T11:10:00.000+10:00

Of course we now have to do the Part 1 and Part 2 schtick. Ok now that's out of the way we can continue.

This is me going to work as a newly ordained computer programmer. I bought that car to get to University and to this day regret getting rid of it.

I received a degree in computing (with Distinction) and went to work as an analyst programmer for a major bank (actually the biggest in Australia and one that owns several American banks) . After about a year I left there to work for the Sydney Water Corp (they supply water and sewerage to 4 million people) because I could work what’s known as a nine day fortnight, meaning every second weekend was three days. If I can just digress for a second to clear something up about correct usage: sewerage is the physical infrastructure i.e. pipes and treatment plants, sewage on the other hand is the shit that flows through it. Are you enlightened?

Eventually ended up in the position of Network Manager, responsible for the installation and support of around 9,000 workstations. Managed the migration from centralised to distributed processing. For the non computer types, that’s getting them off mainframe terminals and onto LAN connected PCs. Unfortunately for me, I was identified as someone who could get things done, and as a result became one of the organisations trouble shooters, taking over the management of projects that had gone off the rails. Talk about stressful, one of them was $6m over budget and 12 months past its deadline when I took it over. Being a high profile fuckup, I had to make regular Senate reports (yes that's senate as in government).

Also during this period I was the president of the Central Coast Baseball Association, which comprised around 3,000 members playing Senior and Junior baseball in both Summer and Winter competitions. Do you see where i'm heading with this?

Let’s recap, at this point I’m working 60-70 hours a week not counting the 3 hours a day commute, and in my spare time I was administering to all kinds of egos who just wanted the best for their club and fuck everyone else. Then there were the meetings (club, association and judiciary) which took up at least 4 nights a week. So is the adrenaline pumping enough? I don’t think so, let’s have your father die and see what happens. What happens, is I decide that I don’t need this crap so I quit my job and resign from the CCBA.

After a couple of months doing projects around the house, I was offered a job in Newcastle. Although I wasn't even looking for work, I took it and let the pressure build again. Tight deadlines and an hour's drive each way should do it, not enough? OK, let’s kill your mother too, and then see what happens. What happens is detailed in my brush with death.

On completing the contract in Newcastle, I decided I was just going to enjoy life in the sanctity of my own home. A good idea yes? You would think so, but within 2 months of me deciding on this course of action, 6 of the 8 houses in the cul-de-sac were sold. Every one of the new families had at least three and up to five children under 15 who thought that using my front yard for soccer would be fine with me, it wasn’t.

Don't get me wrong, I like kids, particularly with a side of fries, a good crusty bread and a nice cold beer. But having them yelling and screaming for hours on end and running through my property without ever having any chance of a possible upside like their parents (I didn't imagine the little darlings would be caring for me in my dotage), didn't make for a peaceful and relaxing retirement.

Suddenly out of nowhere I had an epiphany, “Fuck this shit! I’m getting a place in the country!” And I did.

Ok so now you know. I hope you're not too disappointed. No violent scene, no great argument with MDW, no threats of divorce or the like, just a desire for a peaceful life. But then if you've read my earlier posts you would have known that MDW and I have never had a serious argument, in fact we've only ever had three minor ones.

Back in Time.

2006-08-25T09:35:00.000+10:00

You're lucky to be getting this post, I had just finished it and Blogger bought the farm before I had saved it! Anyway, because I'm an outcome driven kinda guy, I'm going to labouriously recreate it just for you guys (and me of course).

Seeing as we've been taking a trip down memory lane the last couple of days I thought this was an appropriate picture....

I came across it last night as I was scanning some old negatives looking for subjects for future posts (I found a few, not many). Unless you've been on another planet for the last 50 years, you should recognise this as the same kind of car Dr. Emmett Brown drove in Back to the Future, otherwise known as the DMC-12 (or just the De Lorean as it was the only model ever produced).

What you may not know however, is that despite the De Lorean Motor Company being in Texas, the car was actually made in Ireland. Another bit of trivia is that John De Lorean was also responsible for creating the Pontiac GTO in response to the massive popularity of Lee Iaccoa's Mustang.

Then of course there's that whole FBI entrapment thing. So, as I was proofreading this (before blogger ate my post the first time), I noticed the car parked behind it was actually our Mercury Capri, so here's a picture of it....

When I was looking for a picture of the Capri, I found this....

This is a picture of both our cars parked together, the little ladies Mustang (a derogatory lable often given to the Mustang Ghia) has a fascinating story of its own that I will definitely tell soon.

The Story of me. Part 2

2006-08-24T11:30:00.000+10:00

First the obligatory reference to Part 1

Sorry about the poor quality pic, but it's old and it was a crap camera.

Managed to save my airfare back to Oz and returned to discover an even better form of employment, and for the next few years worked on mine construction, mostly in West Australia (that’s where the real money is, in 1975 I was earning in the top 3% of wager earners in Oz). This period is so interesting that I’ll write about it in detail at a later date, but here’s a primer – I saw an accident that killed five miners, and I had an accident that severed my calf muscle. Anyway, the money and the short term nature of the contracts allowed me to spend significant time in South East Asia, where I learned to speak Thai well enough to get a job at a resort in Phuket.

One of those seemingly insignificant events that happens to you when you’re young, but has a long term effect on you, happened to me when I was about 10 years old. I was walking to the bus stop with a lady who lived nearby and she was telling me about how she had been around the world. It not only impressed the shit out of me (in truth I didn't really know what she was talking about but it sounded cool), but it stayed with me to this day. So when I was around 24, I decided to circumnavigate the world (without a boat), and started by travelling overland to Europe. On the way I met MBF in Thailand. I worked in England and Canada for a while, and eventually hooked up with MBF in San Jose, where I joined him in a money making scheme to buy six houses all next to each other, renovate them and clean up in the property boom. It sort of worked, at least I made money out of it.

MBF introduced me to the woman who would later become my wife. After only four dates in three months, during a night on the booze in Truckee (where I was living at the time) we decided to get married . Three months later we were married, no mean feat given that we lived roughly 300 miles apart(sound familiar?) for all but the two weeks prior to the wedding. We immigrated to Oz (well, she immigrated, I just came home), thus completing a five year journey from Sydney to Sydney in a westerly direction. MDW had previously completed a similar adventure, only her’s was LA to LA. We then spent two years working, followed by six months living in a VW camper on Cape York peninsula in far north QLD while we waited for my US residency (now that’s a story).

We returned to the States where I spent the next three years working on the construction of computer manufacturing facilities in Silicon Valley before deciding that I didn’t want to be an electrician anymore. So we headed back to Oz , this time travelling east all the way, thus completing a circumnavigation in each direction. I did this because I wanted the day back that I had lost going the other way.

After spending time in Canada, Europe and Asia we arrived back in Sydney and moved to the Central Coast where I sat an entrance exam to university and was accepted (not bad for someone who left school at sixteen with only a High School Certificate). The reason for coming back to Oz to further my education rather than going to college in the States was that not only was the tuition free, but the government gave me $7,000 a year to attend university, this has since changed.

Coming up next, the one you've all been waiting for, why we live so far apart. I can guarantee you will be disappointed. It really is a non event, but hey! you guys seem so interested.

Now that's what I'm talking about!!!!!

2006-08-24T08:06:00.000+10:00

Thank you, thank you one and all. Your kind words and compliments about what a beautiful little boy I was are much appreciated.

And in case you're wondering, no, it makes absolutely no difference to me that most of them were delivered under duress, it's the words that count. And no, I have not the slightest guilt about harassing, haranguing, whining, threatening and complaining until you all say nice things about me.

Thanks for the Birthday Wishes, amazingly they all showed up on the right day.

Check back later, I'm just putting the finishing touches on Part 2. Oh, great news!! It turned out to be a three part post. Isn't that just wonderful?

The Story of me. Part 1

2006-08-23T13:55:00.000+10:00

Inspired by Marnie, I thought I’d try a brief history of me. Apologies in advance for the self indulgence….

I was born in Sydney at a very young age. In order for my mother to return to work, I was shipped off to to live with my grandparents. Both my brothers, being a good deal older, were already in school. When I was old enough to go myself (school you idiots, not the toilet) I was taken back into the family, where I spent the next four years being tortured by a sadistic older brother. In fact so sadistic was he, the only option for him was to join a religious teaching order so that he could have an unlimited supply of small boys, which he did.

Graduated high school with the highest grades in the region, but decided to go to work instead of continuing my education. This was much to the horror of the Vocational Guidance Counselor, who on reviewing my IQ and aptitude tests, exclaimed that it would be like putting a V8 engine into a Mini Minor, something to this day I’d like to try.

So at 16 years old, I became an indentured apprentice (an archaic term and an even more archaic practice). Spent the next four years the victim of repeated episodes of verbal abuse, physical abuse and initiations (once is never enough when you're having fun, this is construction we’re talking about) all the while trying to learn a trade and cleaning upafter thr tradesmen. All this and I still had time to get everyone’s morning tea and lunch orders, go to the shop, get the food and the change correct (we’re talking up to 25 people depending on the job and if you short change someone you're in trouble) and have the tea and coffee ready for when they showed up at the lunch shed.

The day I completed my apprenticeship I was fired, which was just the first of a number of misfortunes that befell me within a week and a half of each other, the others were: the first true love of my life left me for an ugly son of a bitch with an abnormally large dick and the ability to breathe through his ears (ok I made up the bit about the ears, but the bit about the dick, reportedly, was true), I lost of the house I was renting and finally my dog ran away, never to be seen again (sounds like I’ve got the makings of a country song doesn’t it). All this and I was still only nineteen. Kinda puts things into perspective.

I soon discovered the financial benefits what are known as ‘bush jobs’. So for several years I lived in hotels in the middle of nowhere working on construction projects in areas where there just wasn’t the skilled labour available, in fact there wasn’t anything available. Went to New Zealand (my first big o/s adventure) and was robbed of everything I owned (including all the money I had save up until this point) within 48hrs, when someone broke into my room. This taught me a valuable lesson about security, and I never lost anything again.

Multi part it is.

2006-08-23T12:49:00.000+10:00

First of all I'd just like to express my extreme disappointment in all of you. Not one of you saw fit to appreciate what a beautiful little boy I was. I can't believe that not one of you mothers (mothers being used in the proper maternal context, although I'm pissed enough to use it the other way too) was even remotely taken by such a cute sleeping child. Shame on you all!!

I also have to state up front that this will be a story of me, and while the present living situation is explained, it's not a 'Frankie and Johnny' story. However, come to think of it, there is in fact a boy mets girl story to be told too, so it may well happen one day.

So, get the wine and crackers (or soda and popcorn) ready as I just have to tidy it up a bit and I'll post part one later tonight (my time).

PS. I'm not really angry at you guys, just very disappointed (I'll bet everyone of you has used that line before!) ha! ha!.

Speaking of Cowboys

2006-08-23T07:29:00.000+10:00

Cheese and Rice!(a profanity substitute), I could have made one of these and shipped it to the States for you to see quicker than the pictures loaded today!

Anyway, there is someone really talented in Murrurundi, I particularly like the way these things get their colour from the patina of rust that forms on them. Oh, and they're lifesize.

And speaking of cowboys (Shauna), here's a close up of them, I'm not sure what the guy on the right is doing, looks like a game of pocket billiards.

And while we're talking about cowboys, I made another pot of beans last night. Trouble is I threw the recipe out by mistake (I can get it again off the net, I just didn't want to log on just for that), so I did it from memory.

I don't know what I changed, but this morning I got a telegram from the people who monitor the Kyoto agreement telling me I have exceeded my greenhouse gas emission limits for 2006! You could have attached a hose to my butt and powered a small town for a week.

But it gets worse, all night long my damn bed looked more like a hot air balloon than a bed, I just couldn't keep the covers down. The dogs didn't seem to mind, they just thought I had bought a new kind of air freshener.

Some light entertainment.

2006-08-22T20:42:00.000+10:00

Just to lighten things up a bit, here's an interesting series of pictures.

It's a school in Murrurundi the next town south of Willow Tree.

The first few times I drove past, I thought they were actually playing.

But eventually I caught on.

But first some background.

2006-08-22T16:45:00.000+10:00

This has nothing to do with this post, but it sure is a cute picture of me isn't it?

For all those wanting to know why I'm here and she's there, this is not the post that reveals all. Go read a magazine or something, and come back tomorrow or the next day, when you may be in luck.

What this is, is a post that explains what ingredients are required to make such a situation work. I'm probably going to ramble a bit, because in truth I've never really thought about it, we don't see it as such a big deal, nor do the people who know us well.

Most importantly there needs to be complete trust. You need to trust your partner, trust that they are not looking for something better, and you need to trust yourself that you aren't either. If this is the case, the next most important aspect is that you have to be comfortable with being on your own. For some of you with kids, it may sound like heaven to have a break for a while, but trust me you'll be missing the chaos within a couple of days.

Both MDW and I were latchkey kids so we're used to keeping our own company. In fact one of the first things I noticed in her apartment when we first met was a picture of an old Greek shepherd tending his flock in the mountains, underneath the picture were the words "If you find me by myself, I'm not lonely, I'm simply alone" And speaking of kids, that's another essential ingredient, no kids.

Some of the more mundane aspects required are the financial resources to furnish and run two households, that includes not only bedding etc, but fridges, washing machines, TVs, kitchenware you name it. Not to mention owning two houses. Although some of you may actually have a holiday home.

Lastly there is the psychological need for security and this is the crux of the situation. While MDW comes from a land where not only is the puritan work ethic instilled from a young age, there is no blanket healthcare system, no longterm unemployment support and very little aged care. While I, on the other hand come from a socialist country where the value of a job is measured by how much time you get off, and where everyone is cared for. There is no time limit on enemployment benefits, everyone is covered for hospital and medical, and when you reach 65 you get a pension for life as well as discounts on essentials such as telephone, electricity and local taxes.

Put simply, while I chose to walk away from the corporate world, MDW chose to stay and protect her superannuation (and we're talking big dollars). I respect her decision, she can live with mine. So, there it is.

Now, on the subject of how we got to be in this situation, I've written it but its pretty long (two pages in Word, which is quite long for a blog post), so long in fact that I' m asking you whether you'd rather it split into two posts or posted as one long post. Let me know.